(Un)conventional alternatives for Valentine’s Day

What do single people do on Valentine’s Day? It sounds like an old riddle. What could possibly be done for those who remain unhitched? Do we watch and laugh at the sheer perplexity of it all or do we shield our eyes, ashamed of our segregation from the mutually admired?

I believe I’ve found a solution, a way for single people to enjoy a holiday overtly targeted towards couples: we forget about it.

Thomas Gray once wrote, “ignorance is bliss” which I think works well here. How can we possibly believe we’re missing out on something if we denounce it altogether? Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m taking this stance strictly out of prejudice and envy, but that doesn’t mean I support it any less.

Regardless, here’s a few ways of distracting yourself this Valentine’s day.

Massive Porn Binge

There’s nothing like a porn binge with the boys. It’s a different type of bonding, all huddled around your mom’s work computer sharing that blanket she bought on sale at Indigo.

There’s no shame in your erection — you’ve all got one. Embrace your sexuality and sadness by throwing on some high definition adult films that make you question whatever happened to family ethics.

Who cares if both “sisters” have drastically different skin tones? It’s about bonding with the fellas and trying to forget that no one wants to touch what you’re all hiding under that beach towel your mother threw down.

She heard it all.

Guys/Girls Night

What better way to pretend you don’t care about being alone like a dismissive, mandatory hangout with the girls? See a movie, paint each others nails, go for sushi. Nothing complements raw tuna like the taste of tears!

Take one night off from calling each other whores and spend some time discussing why men are the real problem. Forget the fact that your friend zone has hit capacity, full of polite, willing guys ready to permeate you with romance.

Tonight is for talking about Trent, the varsity hockey player who turned down your invitation to come over and watch reruns of Degrassi because your “eyebrows look like bike spokes.” These are the things we complain about on Valentine’s Day!

Don’t worry, lads. Guys night doesn’t only have to involve uneven breasts and incest. There’s plenty of things to do with the boys. Turn off that porn, burn that towel and go outside to assert your masculinity!

Head to the bar to hit on other singles full of sexual frustration and denial. Make sure to hit the cue ball extra hard so the ladies know you came to play. Hit the stage and mumble Green Day’s “Time of Your Life” so everyone at the bar knows you’re proud of your virginity! There’s no shame in abstinence, boys. Just ask anyone buying Abreva in bulk.

Throw yourself into schoolwork

Finish that essay you’ve been putting off, get some readings done. Use this time to catch up on all the things you’ve been neglecting.

Maybe you’re a music student: spend some time practicing for that audition. Sure, the oboe is slightly phallic, but try your best not to let it remind you of your daunting sexual drought.

I’ll give the Health Science students a break. A hefty portion of their course load requires staring at sketches of contorted genitalia. What’s not erotic about that?

Booty Call

Desperation: what better reason to get herpes? A cold sore is treatable, but a broken heart is forever.

Consider this a Plan B (which also might come in handy later). Remember, there’s no shame in a late-night booty call. When all else fails, head to the phone.

Try a dating app. There’s always some adequate suitors on there, right? Who better to satisfy your carnal needs than a complete and utter stranger?

Maybe Tinder, the app where every guy thinks a photo of their dog is deserving of a handjob. Or Bumble, the app that lets women decide which guy looks least like a sexual predator.

Sure, you’ll probably end up sleeping beside a guy intentionally inhaling the exhaust from your diffuser, but really: what did you expect from someone named Quinoa?

Whether it’s sucking on the wet end of a trumpet or accidentally touching your friend’s boner, find something to keep yourself entertained. I’d like to say Valentine’s Day is just like any other day, but with the constant gloating for attention over social media, it’s a day that can cause major anxiety for some people.

Most of what is said above is meant for laughs and shouldn’t be taken seriously. If you’re like me and tend to feel extra self-conscious on Valentine’s Day, just find something that makes you comfortable and remember that all those people in their romance-driven posts have all waved at someone who wasn’t waving at them just like you. Deep down, everyone’s kind of a moron.

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