Halloween costumes that are better to avoid
1. The overworn costumes
There are countless costumes that have simply been exhausted by the masses, deemed unoriginal, tacky and sad, yet each year these ensembles seem to reappear.
For a generation of millennials in need of constant recognition — people dying for attention — I’ve always found it difficult to grasp the completely homogenized, almost uniform costume trends.
Your devil costume constructed of a burgundy robe and discount lingerie reflects conjugal foreplay gone wrong more than anything resembling Satan himself. Apart from your denouncement from the Catholic church, your attire shows little deviance and comes off a tad bit conventional.
The playboy bunny, although iconic, presents as bland and adverse to your intended aura of sex appeal. Not only does this costume expose you to the cold, it appears physically constraining on your internal organs.
So unless you’re looking to invest in a lifetime supply of colostomy bags, it’s best to avoid Hugh’s little rabbits. Corsets were eradicated after the Victorian era for a reason.
Avoid the Joker. No one wants to clean red makeup off their bedspread in the morning and people will take that into account the night before.
Don’t go anywhere near a pirate costume unless you can nail the accent and unless you plan on going home and groping your own genitals, don’t even think of dressing up like Trump.
Oh, and don’t be a clown. No one wants to touch a clown.
Alternatives: Try to stand out. Strive for originality. Dress as a Ritz Cracker, maybe a saltine. Let your eyebrows grow out a little and go as Canadian legend Eugene Levy. Throw on a dunce cap and be a scientologist.
2. Lazy costumes
Sure, it was cute when Jim Halpert did it, but your Big Lebowski costume just isn’t cutting it this year. No one’s offering me any candy while I’m nursing my White Russian, hanging brain in my morning robe so why would they do any different for you?
There’s nothing lazier than throwing on a jersey and claiming you’re an athlete. Joe Montana’s never taken a Jell-O shot and neither should you.
Alternatives: Put some effort into your costume. If you’re going to be a lifeguard, be the best lifeguard possible. Don’t just throw on a whistle. I expect some Larry the Lifeguard dedication here, sunscreen on the nose and everything.
3. Exposed skin
There’s nothing sexy about frostbite. Consider the elements and make sure to bundle up. Avoid costumes with excessive exposed skin. Since when have doctors flashed that much upper thigh? If my gastroenterologist wore something like that, my last colonoscopy would have gone a lot differently.
There’s nothing wrong with body positivity, but no one wants to see a guy rocking diamond cutters through the floral sundress he swears he doesn’t enjoy wearing.
Alternatives: If promiscuity is your thing, try finding respectable celebrities who don’t need to flaunt their cleavage to invoke arousal.
Throw on some scrubs and dance around as Zack Braff for a couple hours. Slip on some Uggs and a little eyeliner and prance about as Tom Brady for the night.
It seems to be a popular trend to sexualize historically innocent characters. Poor Piglet never gave Pooh a lap dance and never made off hand sexual advances to Owl.
The Grady Twins from The Shining never flaunted their bosoms, never shared a kiss as they exchanged shots of Tanqueray while Danny Torance watched from across the hall. By all means, get creative, but try not to ruin anyone’s childhood nostalgia along the way.
Try your best to stand out with an innovative, original costume. If blending in and conforming to the crowd is your inclination, do your thing. Be Sandy from Grease for the fifteenth time, bore us to death with your school girl skirt and your untamable Bob Ross wig.
But for those who prefer to emerge from the masses, look for something slightly more unconventional. Everyone loves a good pun and there’s plenty to work with.
Don’t be afraid to disregard sex appeal if its constraining a good idea. You think Charlie Brown’s sole intention was to get into Sally’s pants? That kid just wanted to see a pumpkin.