Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): To gain favour with your professors and peers, you should attempt to answer every question raised in class whether or not you know the answer…, or just ask seemingly irrelevant questions instead. They’ll love that.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): Despite what your friends tell you, there is no Laurier nudist club. So for everyone’s sake, keep your damn clothes on.
Scorpio (Oct. 22 to Nov. 21): You will start reading Marx in one of your classes. I don’t care what program or year you’re in, it’s going to happen.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Remember that nobody walks on the hawk! Unless the hallway is packed, which it almost always is. Or if you’re not paying attention. Or if you just don’t feel like getting out of the way. Remember that people only walk on the hawk some of the time!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You will fall madly in love with “Judy” the sandwich lady at the dining hall after her roast beef on rye rocks your world.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): After a friend introduces you to World of Warcraft, you’ll spend weeks alone in your room, only to eventually emerge reborn as Gorlock, a magical elf destined to save Laurier from its evil overlords.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): In a moment of passion you’ll decide to renounce your consumerist ways by flushing all of your frivolous possessions down the toilet. However, after sobering up you’ll soon realize that life is unbearable without an iPod and Blackberry. Also, your toilet’s broken.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): It’s probably best to remember that the rhyme, “Beer before liquor,
you’ve never been sicker” is a warning, not a challenge.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): The stars show that soon all your dreams will come true. Unfortunately, all you’ve been dreaming about recently is athlete’s foot and the end of the world.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Try to remember that it’s only acceptable to run down the street dressed in fluorescent spandex screaming at everyone you see if you’re actually participating
in O-Week activities. Otherwise you’re just a weirdo. Scratch that, it’s never acceptable.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): When an attractive person in your class asks you what your major is, it’s in your best interest to take the high road and avoid referencing your genitalia.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): You will be in awe of nature when you get to witness the majestic glory of Laurier’s elusive music students outside their natural habitat of the Aird building, scavenging for woodwinds in preparation for a long winter.
As a small boy, Adam Nagel choked after swallowing the wheel of a Tonka truck; this near
death experience gave him the power to see into the void and predict the future.
