Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): After arriving at your business club meeting an hour early, you’ll be horrified to discover that it’s actually a pagan cult, sacrificing students to their heathen god Adam Smith. And you’re next.
Scorpio (Oct. 22 to Nov. 21): After taking a much needed break and sleeping in you’ll finally be able to enjoy everyone’s favourite show, The Price is Right. That is until Drew Carey has an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction while spinning the big wheel. You will promptly gouge your eyes out.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): You’ll soon realize that you accidentally left your webcam on while rocking out alone to High School Musical 3, becoming the newest Internet fad.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You will soon find out that global warming isn’t a myth; it really exists. And it’s after you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Don’t worry, the noises coming out of your closet at night aren’t the boogie man coming to get you. No, they’re merely your ex watching you while you sleep and stealing your spare underwear. Nothing to worry about.
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): Your life’s scariest moment will be your graduation day when you realize you’ve wasted the last few years of your life and will soon be thrust into the world penniless, career-less and into a failing economy. Life sure does suck.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’ll be delighted when all of your sexual Twilight fantasies come true after meeting a real life vampire. That is until they suck your blood and leave you for dead. Real vampires are mean.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): After trying the newest type of chocolate bar you’ll be horrified to realize that it contains nuts. You will fall to your knees, clutching your throat and crying out to the heavens. That is until you realize that you’re not actually allergic to peanuts. Unless you are. In which case you die.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Panic will set in after tasting your Halloween candy and fearing that it has been poisoned. However, you’ll have nothing to worry about. Licorice just tastes like that.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): The scariest moments of your life will be when you take a trip to Canada’s Wonderland for the Halloween haunt. Yeah, you live a pretty lame life.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): After being locked into the school after a freak power outage, you and your friends will be stalked by the grisly Golden Hawk Horror who cuts the feet off of all those who walk on the hawk.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): You forget that you have a midterm before arriving to the class late, drunk and without pants on. However it’s all just a dream … or is it? Yes, it is.
Adam Nagel once had his genes spliced with those of an iguana. The scientific community agrees that this had no bearing whatsoever on his alleged ability to tell the future.
