Cord-o-scopes: Christmas holidays edition

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) Your birthday celebrations will leave you hungover for a week, but the embarrassment of getting kicked out of Phil’s will last a lifetime.

Capricorn (December 22nd- January 19) The Christmas season has you feeling lonely. Remember that no boyfriend or girlfriend means more time to watch Netflix in your underwear.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18) Your financial situation has been rough this term. For a Christmas present, you may be forced to finally accept your mom’s Facebook request, pending four years. I foresee endless notifications in your future.

Pisces (February 19- March 20) Your laziness has come to an all time high this month. This will progress in the coming months and showering will soon be a thing of the past. Ain’t nobody got time for that anyway.

Aries (March 21- April 19) You will have an awkward run-in with an old roommate this month. Leave the past behind and forget about the time she broke your hairbrush; you stole her nail polish, call it even.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) You’ve made an effort to exercise and eat healthy. Next month, try doing it for real and not just on Pinterest.

Gemini (May 21- June 20) Geminis love being the centre of attention, and although this is good for your participation marks, it isn’t good for your secret Santa present. Expect tube socks this year.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) Seeing your family over Christmas gives you mixed emotions. Excessive drinking to get through it will only leave you being the Rob Ford of the family, and no one wants to be that guy.

Leo (July 23- August 22) You may be getting kissed under the mistletoe this year, Leo. But it also may be by your family dog Sparky. Pucker up!

Virgo (August 23- September 22) Christmas this year will bring you nothing but coal. Santa saw what you did at Dallas last Friday, and so did Instagram.

Libra (September 23- October 22) The cold weather has you hibernating, Libra. Time to break out your parka and join the rest of civilization.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) The endless amount of schoolwork is piling up this exam season. You will soon be freed of this stress (provided you turn off The Big Bang Theory and step foot in the library for the first time of the semester).

After going on a crazy binge on Christmas cookies and drinking one too many cups of eggnog, staff writer Vanessa Tharen can now predict the future.

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