The Golden Rules for roommate sex etiquette

Graphic by Jamie Mere

With Valentine’s Day coming up, there might be some things you may want to consider if you have roommates. Sex happens. Hookups happen. And sometimes, random guests show up at your apartment and leave their razor scooter at the door —  and that’s okay!

Generally speaking, sharing things with your roommates is great: but not everyone you live with will want to hear the soundtrack to your post-bar hookup. If you want to ensure you’re being as considerate as possible when it comes to sharing your living space with sexual partners and roommates alike, here are some golden rules you should follow.

Golden rule #1: Give your roommates a heads up.

Spontaneous hookups happen all the time. But to make sure that you’re not bringing your guest into a potentially unwanted meet-and-greet, shoot your roommates a quick text when you’re a few minutes away from your crash pad.

Golden rule #2: Turn down the volume.

The last thing you want to hear, aside from someone else getting down and dirty, is your roommate shouting “Nice acoustics!” from the next room over.

Make sure to remember that if you’re not the only one home, there’s a good chance other people can hear what you’re doing. Most people don’t want to hear what might be going on in your bedroom — and if they do, you need to have a different kind of conversation.

Golden rule #3: Abide by house rules, especially when you’re the guest. 

Respecting other people’s space in your shared dwelling is common sense. Respecting a partner’s space, especially when roommates are involved, is something some people find hard to grasp.

To make a long story short, keep your clothes on. Even if you’ve been together five years, your partners’ roommates don’t want to see your ass(ets) in the kitchen. And reliving your 2018 Osheaga experience via a bluetooth speaker in a shared shower is a big no-no.

Golden rule #4: No funny business in the bathroom.

Unless you have an ensuite. In that case, it’s your prerogative.

Golden rule #5: Stand by the girl code.

If you’re on a date and are getting bad vibes from your … umm … suitor, it’s always good to be able to have a backup plan. In most cases, a text from a roommate notifying you of a fake problem in the apartment (e.g. the toilet overflowing, or the RCMP at your door with a search warrant) will do the trick. Enact these in advance, ladies! Better safe than sorry.

If you ever feel unsafe in a situation at a bar, club or anywhere in general (yes, women really do have to be that careful), reach out to your homies. Hopefully the people you live with can be there for you when you need them. But if not, do not fear! It’s a guarantee in the girl code that any other decent lady will come to your rescue.

Be courteous this Valentine’s — or, Galentines, if you prefer — but most of all, be safe. Being respectful to both your partners and your roommates, is like, the sexiest thing ever.

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