Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Although the weather is cold, the love of your friends and family will keep you warm this winter. Oh, and your Canada Goose jacket (don’t pretend like you don’t own one).
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re still drunk from New Year’s aren’t you? You need time to recover from your weak week. Try taking it easy for a while, champ.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Stop letting the small details in life affect you. You are a confident and powerful human being, therefore you should NOT be crying over the divorce of Katy Perry and Russell Brand. It’s tragic, I’ll admit, but not cry-worthy.
Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19)
The kindness within you is strong and nothing makes you feel better than making others happy. You will share anything to see a smile on someone else’s face, except Chicken McNuggets. NEVER the Chicken McNuggets.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
I know life seems a little boring recently, but don’t blame the stars — this is all your fault. You chose to watch the entire box set of “Big Bang Theory” and that’s a week you will never get back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time you start appreciating the magic that surrounds you. Look around, there is a world full of nature and beauty. When you’re done texting, check it out.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22)
School and work can often be frustrating and most of the time stressful. Just keep in mind that there are ways to bring the fun back into your life. Join a sport, read an exciting book, try heroin — anything really.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
You are known to be stubborn; however, this month you will conform. For example, we know you don’t like Nicki Minaj, none of us do. But clearly she is not going away, so perhaps try to embrace her and her booty.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Go do something new. You have been stuck in the same boring routine for a while now. Try pottery lessons; I haven’t heard interesting things, but you won’t really like change anyways.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
It is time you start to go with the flow. Everything can’t always be according to plan. Loosen up. Undo a couple buttons on that shirt … or someone else’s shirt.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will meet someone special in the near future. But his/her interest in you depends on whether or not you stop wearing that jean jacket. Come on, it’s January — give it up.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You are going to find love in a hopeless place. Sorry, I’m listening to Rihanna right now and I’ve run out of ideas.
Michael Porfirio over dosed on cough syrup and can now predict the future.