Cord-o-scopes: May 2011

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)

Your routines are making life easier for you. You are on the job hunt, seeing old friends, and you may even start up a new work out routine. Now if only you could stop napping every few hours you might actually be productive.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Your creative juices are flowing like crazy right now, but that’s no excuse to bash every post-election Conservative-celebrating Facebook status. Even if no one can seem to make a legitimate comeback.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22)

Summer is here and you are ready to bask in the glory of the most colourful season. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and alcohol poisoning is a darkened mixture of the rainbow. But seriously, puking black is bad. Take it easy on the porching.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

Moving back into your family’s house for the summer, you take the opportunity to redecorate the basement to remind yourself of Waterloo. While your siblings adore your innovative creation of “bleacher couches”, your parents, do not.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

The magic tricks you spent all of exam period teaching yourself will finally come to use. Learning from How I met Your Mother, remember that a magician’s best friend is a drunk audience. Use your power wisely.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

Your impulsive nature leads you to get into a fight with a co-worker at your summer job. Simply knowing that they were the one who broke the coffee machine won’t bring it back to life. Try to take it easy.

Sagitarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

Consider listening to your mom this summer and finally take that job as a help line operator with her company. After all, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people… stupid, stupid people.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

Your new co-op job is going splendidly. You’ve successfully made it a full two weeks waking up before double digits, and your boss seems impressed by your consistent lively attitude. Eventually the cafeteria will sell out of Rockstar energy drinks; don’t let this be your downfall.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

Good things come to those who wait and if you’re lucky, you’ll catch a glimpse of your new super-hot neighbour. Trying to keep your mouth closed when doing so will likely keep you on better terms.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20)

Taking free condoms from the health clinic where you volunteer begins to seem less cool when you finally realize that your collection has yet to decrease.

Aries (March 21 to April 19)

When applying for bursaries online, your ambitious (although sometimes impatient) nature drives you to quickly click as many minority grants as possible. You are now a Black-Chinese exchange student from Russia double majoring in women’s and aboriginal studies.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20)

Your summer school prof keeps giving you that “I could have eaten alphabits and crapped out a better essay” look. Note to self: at least try to stay awake in class.

On a hot summer day, Katie Flood strolled through the FNCC without shoes on. Daring to walk across the hawk, she tripped and banged her head. Suddenly able to sense all Laurier students who had roamed the hall before her, Katie can now predict your future.