Cord-o-scopes: Feb. 2012

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) In the upcoming week, try to focus on not taking advice from student paper horoscopes; you never know what kind of person (alien) is actually writing these things.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar 20) Whenever you talk in lecture in the upcoming week, be sure to take long pauses between sentences. Have fun sounding worldly and report back to me on how well that works, I’ve been wondering.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) You need to deal with your clutter today. Lay low on Twitter, cut the FB creeping in half, only visit a fraction of your favourite blogs and limit your music listening. Ok, deal with the clutter tomorrow; you have tons of fun shit to do today.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20) Don’t except “no” as a response this week! Unless, of course, you ask someone if they hate you.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) You are a passionate animal lover. Everyone thinks it’s so cute when you post kitten videos on Facebook. Animals warm up to you so quickly. Keep telling yourself those things, weirdo.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) Challenge yourself this week. Without sounding snobby, look at your roommate directly in the face and say “for me, it’s really just Italian leather or no leather at all.” Hint: it’s impossible.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) You’ve spent the first part of this semester procrastinating. Now you’ve got to get to work; that essay won’t right itself. Wait…will it? THERE IS A CHANCE YOUR ESSAY MIGHT WRITE ITSELF, GOOD LUCK!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Seriously re-evaluate your life goals this weekend. Whoa, never mind. Just writing that freaked me out.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Make a conscious effort to be more vague when you’re talking to people this week. Not for any reason in particular, just seems fun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You will be presented with a sizable dilemma this week. That’s the end of your horoscope, sorry.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Stop talking so much about a possible romance. Your roommates are convinced your next step is a spiritual love-séance in the living room.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Remember, it’s not too early to start fearing the Mayan apocalypse. Have a good week.

Mackenzie King hates writing the Cord-o-scopes. So he doesn’t. He sends his requests to a small shop owner in Sweden named Sven with a delight for writing about the future. Mackenzie and Sven are two peas in a pod.