Cord-O-Scopes

Cordoscopes-circle.jpgLibra (September 23- October 22) Birthday blackouts will cause you to lose your phone, keys, wallet and other valuables. There really isn’t any avoiding this, just a heads up.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Everyone loves a Scorpio because everyone loves a jealous ex-girlfriend. Stop stalking your ex, the best revenge is looking hot and that doesn’t include mascara marks from crying in the bathroom all night.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) The past month your love life has taken a back seat to your Netflix account. This month your love life will take a back seat to Grand Theft Auto 5.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Breaking Bad marathons have delayed your readings. I predict this will end because, you know, the series is over.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18) After making it rain at the bar the last month of school, your finances are dwindling. Thankfully this month will bring fortune in the form of your parents feeling sorry for you and giving you some money to waste at Phil’s.

Pisces (February 19- March 20) Someone really special will walk into your life this month, Pisces. Well actually, it all depends on whether or not you actually throw out those cargo shorts.

Aries (March 21- April 19) Your negative attitude this month is pushing others away. Stop complaining about Miley and embrace the twerk.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) Living off pizza and beer the past month has left you feeling like the Khloe Kardashian of the family. Buy a pair of spanx.

Gemini (May 21- June 20) You’re extra moody this month and instances such as your roommate eating your Oreo’s may drive you over the edge. Remember, you ate all her pop-tarts last week. Forgive and forget.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) Your nosey nature will get you into trouble this month, Cancer. Remember you’re not gossip girl, so stop blabbing secrets and write passive aggressive tweets.

Leo (July 23- August 22) Although you consider yourself a leader, the other members in your group project think of you as a dictator. This month is all about letting someone else take control, and then blaming them when you get an “F”.

Virgo (August 23- September 22) The midterm slump has got you feeling low this month. Getting some fresh air will help clear your mind and soul, and yes, the walk to Burrito Boys should also suffice.

Stumbling home after a drunken night of Karaoke at Chainsaw,  Vanessa Tharen tripped over her 6- inch heels and can now predict the future.

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