Don’t turkey dump, hump

It’s a common story ⎯ two people meet. Two people fall in love. Two people go away to separate universities and discover how much fun they have without each other. Knowing that they would have even more fun if their relationship ended, they plan to part ways at the first opportunity. Problem: it’s a holiday.

Welcome to turkey dump season. The long weekend has officially begun, pumpkin pies are baking, Mom is stressing over matching napkins with the tablecloth and you’re trying to find time for a break-up (if you’re lucky enough not to be the dump-ee) before Grandma comes over.

“I heard a lot of people in high school, they broke up around Thanksgiving because people get really slutty in their first week. Then they all cheat, then they tell their significant other when they go home,” said fourth-year psychology major Taylor Gayowsky.

Radio Laurier’s morning show tweeted The Cord about the turkey dump, “@cordarts we’re torn. why wait until thanksgiving? why ruin the holiday? BUT we have witnessed a few turkey dumps over the years…”

It’s the stress of midterms, the distraction of that cute boy (or girl, or off-limits Don) down the hall and just your general laziness to call every day that tells you it’s not in the stars for your relationship to work.

The solution? It’s time to start a new tradition: the turkey hump.

“That’s a lot better than the turkey dump, I mean it makes people happy,” said Ena Petrovich, a third-year French student.

Petrovich couldn’t be more right ⎯ there are many positives to the turkey hump.

Let’s face it, we don’t have a fall reading week so students are going to need another way to relieve the stress of midterms. Thanksgiving opportunities? In between meals, before apple picking or a classic, your parent’s basement. You are a student, you are a critical thinker; you will find a way.

Secondly, as supportive as they are, you’re not going to get any slimmer being home for Thanksgiving. As family members alternate between shooting you sad eyes and piling more onto your plate.

But as we learned from our Twitter followers, not everyone knows what the turkey dump is.

Kale Boehmer said, “@cordarts It’s not a definite occurrence, but it happens enough to warrant the moniker of fact. #turkeydump”

“For me at least, it hasn’t reached a status where I can call it something”, second-year business major Brandon McCauley admitted.

Despite being unsure about the existence of the turkey dump, both Arvin Valecia, third-year business and Corey Ramelson, second-year political science responded in sync to the alternative suggestion, “I’d go for the humping.”

“I’d say that one is a little more likely, I definitely know some people that would go for that for sure,” McCauley also agreed in favour of turkey humping over dumping.

So here is an opportunity, with no obligation, to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. With surefire popularity amongst a university crowd, the turkey hump has great hope of catching on, or at the very least, trending on twitter.

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, the turkey hump doesn’t discriminate, it’s something that everybody can participate in — and isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about?

Worst case scenario humps/dumps

The cynic

Your boyfriend is no longer welcome at his own house so you invite him to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. After criticizing your Mom’s overly festive candles and telling your Grandma that her apple pie is cliché, you take him aside to “have the talk.” But just before you can tell him Nana’s pie is dry and that’s just the way you like it, he bursts into tears and yells, “I can’t live in a world where my girlfriend celebrates the slaughtering of turkey” and runs out your back door.

Positive: You no longer have to look at his whiny face cringe as you smother your entire meal with gravy.

Negative: You have to go back to dinner with the embarrassment, that technically, he dumped you.

The turkey pants

You are meeting your girlfriend’s family for the first time this Thanksgiving. There’s over fifty people, cousins, boyfriends, girlfriends and a concerning amount of babies. What’s even more concerning is when you realize your girlfriend is wearing maternity pants. Seeing the horrified look on your face, she smiles and jokes, “Don’t worry, they’re my eating pants.” You relax and end your perfect meal by going upstairs with her to work off some of that turkey.

Positive: The dinner with her family was lovely, they were always making little jokes that you didn’t always get, but it didn’t matter.

Negative: In nine months you’ll get it.

The Mama’s boy

I’m not sure if Italians know that this weekend is Thanksgiving or not but either way your friend’s invitation to Sunday night dinner is one that you cannot refuse. After countless courses of pasta, you and your friend go upstairs to take a “nap.” Just as you start to get into it, his mother comes in with more pasta and to your horror he welcomes her towards the bed to cut up the meal for him. You gracefully excuse yourself to the bathroom and subtly slip out the front door.

Positive: You dodged a bullet, more pasta would not be worth whisperings of “I want smoosh-smoosh” in your ear again.

Negative: You walk all the way home before realizing your bra is still on his bedroom floor.

The assumption

Your brother’s friends join your family for Thanksgiving this year. Throughout dinner, you have take a particular liking to one of the guests. You think she’s smart, funny and really cute so before dessert the two of you sneak off to the basement to fool around. By dessert time it’s gotten fairly late and your girl’s parents come to pick her up. Why, you wonder? Because she’s not your brother’s friend, she’s his friend’s younger sister. How old is she? Fifteen.

Positive: You had a fun time with her.

Negative. You had a fun time with her. Creep.