Cord-o-Scopes: October 2011

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

The planets have aligned and it’s looking like a bright future ahead. You’re a free spirit! Actually it’s looking more like headlights, pull your head out of your ass and quit playing in traffic.

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)

Your party lifestyle is going great. But by judging the amount of sharpie you couldn’t get off your face the morning after homecoming, you should probably take it easy. You’re too much to drop it like it’s hot, safest bet is to just squat it like its warm.

Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)

Some important people in your life don’t think you’re the brightest person around. The stars are thinking there’s not much hope in changing that either.

Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)

The stars are showing a growth in your personality! The new you is more mature and realistic. In more honest terms you’re boring as hell and people are sick of hearing you preach of how the world is going to end in 2012.

Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)

Your love life has been flourishing this school year! You’re infatuated with your new love… the new love of the dining hall. Take it easy, you’re really pushing the freshman 15 and I’m not going to sugar coat this either, because you might eat that too.

Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)

You feel ecstatic about your midterms this semester, you feel prepared and ready to ace them! I’ve taken the liberty of looking into your future. My advice? You should probably go ahead and pick up a McDonalds application on your way home.

Aries (March 21st to April 19th)

You take pride in yourself. You’ve got that I-don’t-give-a-fuck kind of attitude any guy would give their right nut for. Well, that’s how you would phrase it. People would just say you’re an arrogant douche. Stay classy.

Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)

Good news! That significant other that you’ve been Facebook stalking for that last little while has asked you out! Bad news? They’re a stage five clinger. Worse news? They’re a crier and manic depressive. Good luck, sport.

Gemini (May 21st to June 20th)

I bet you’re really excited to hear about what’s in store for you this month! The fall months are here and so is that extra turkey gut you’ve got in preparation for hibernation. The only thing you’ll be looking forward to is stepping on the crunchy-looking leaf on the sidewalk when you’re walking by yourself.

Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd)

You don’t always read horoscopes, but when you do, you’re really pissed off at how useless and uninformative yours is.

Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)

The fall season is here and it’s time to bring out those heavy jackets. Enough of those muscle shirts already, quite flexing those guns that you don’t have. “Suns out, guns out” isn’t an excuse anymore.

Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)

Saturn took a look into your future and there’s a not so epic month ahead of you. The stars are calling for more bacon strips and Jack Daniels, player.

Domenica likes the smell of gas stations far too much, that’s where the inspiration came from.