Dear Life: March 6, 2013

(Graphic by Adele Palmquist).

(Graphic by Adele Palmquist).

Dear Life,
An ode to whiskey dick:
Whiskey dick, whiskey dick
Thou art so bittersweet,
Whiskey dick, whiskey dick
I’d beat ya meat.
Whiskey dick, whiskey dick
You troublesome foe,
Whiskey dick, whiskey dick
Saves me from actin’ a hoe
Sincerely,
I’LL TAKE YA DICK

Dear Life,
When I go to do a survey that promises entrance to some sort of prize draw, I prefer not having to scroll through your scary Terms and Agreements page that tells me that you can use me for promotional purposes if I win. Thanks WLU Food Services, you just lost the carrot of a prize in the stick of legalities and advertising.
Sincerely,
Keep it Simple, Stupid

Dear Life,
I just wanted to give a shoutout to the four members of the Laurier swim team who competed at CIS over reading week in Calgary- you guys are amazing and sure made Laurier proud!
Sincerely,
Swimming needs more fans

Dear Life,
This school isn’t what I thought it’d be. The amount of hate that everyone harbours here is somewhat disheartening. Just because you’re anonymous doesn’t mean you should spread hate. Do something more creative with your time.
Sincerely,
Where’s the love?

Dear Life,
It would be stellar if my friends weren’t constantly running late.
Sincerely,
”What’s you’re ETA?”

Dear Life,
Please stop letting Laurier accept so many new students. With our spotty wireless and lack of housing let’s deal with what got.
Sincerely,
The amount of students is too damn high

Dear Life,
The library lately? Yeah, packed. You get in the elevator and “ding” you’re on floor x. The elevator door opens and before you can even set a foot out the door, others are rushing in. Come on, Golden Hawks, we pride ourselves on our spirit, our intellectual abilities and of course the mayhem we create. But where are our manners?
Sincerely,
Good Guy Wilf

Dear Life,
Still loving Survivor 26 seasons later. Out of all the ridiculous reality shows out there, Survivor brings the classic game.
Sincerely,
Never Missed an Episode

Dear Life,
Hearing mansplainers talk is like watching a drunk who can’t figure out how to put his pants back on.
Sincerely,
Your sexist remarks are so stupid it makes me laugh

Dear Life,
I want a t-shirt that says “I survived the GRT.” Those cool people I waited over an hour for an iExpress bus with on Tuesday, you deserve one too.
Sincerely,
One does not simply ride the bus

Dear Life,
I was e-mailing Just for Laughs the other day a question I had for them, and this is the automatically generated response I got. Hope it makes you laugh. “Thanks for your message! Who knows, someone here might actually read it. They may even reply. You could end up dating them. Maybe you’ll get married and live on some remote tropical island. And all because of your silly message. We sure do live in strange times!”
Sincerly,
Way too funny for life

Dear Life,
I don’t think anything has hurt me more than watching someone literally count down the days until I’m out of their life. On a public forum no less.
I get it, you hate me. But just know that I would never do this to you.
Sincerely,
The Quiet Roommate

Dear Life,
Last Thursday was Self Injury Awareness and the first time I seriously considered hurting myself in months. My mood disorder is killing me and despite the “awareness” that tries to remove the stigma surrounding those who suffer from mental health, I still find it to be a very judgemental world that pretends that my problems don’t matter. When I’m gone, I hope Laurier learns to better serve its students and stop patronizing us so there is less suffering in silence.
Sincerely,
I’m trying to talk to you, are you even listening?

Want to submit a Dear Life? Send your life’s frustrations to dearlife@thecord.ca or submit through website. Submissions must be less than 100 words and begin with “Dear Life”.

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