Cord-o-scopes: May 20, 2009

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): You’ve recently been feeling the need to start thinking about your future. Work, travel and graduate school are all at the back of your mind. There’s no point in these things, because the world is going to end in 2012. No, really, it’s true; the Internet says so.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): The stars have aligned this month to tell you that your friends are holding you back. Sure, they found you a job, got you into exercising and gave you a steady social life, but they’re slaughtering your dream of being a penniless slacker. Ditch those losers and get back on that couch! I believe in you.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): Lately you’ve had a strong desire to start up a summer romance. It’s not the companionship or the sex that motivates you. You just have an uncanny urge to spontaneously break into “Summer Lovin’” from Grease once September rolls around. I agree; real life should be more like a musical.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): You’re starting to get exhausted from searching for a summer job, but don’t give up. Of course, with no skills and no experience, you won’t find a damn thing. But when a van rolls over your foot in a business depot parking lot, the ensuing law suit will more than pay for tuition. See, perseverance pays off.

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): This month, Saturn is aligning with Neptune, meaning that your life will be filled with rage. If you feel a strong desire for revenge, try exercising your pain away, or lighting your ex’s car on fire. Hell, why not do both?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): Now that summer has arrived, you’ve taken it upon yourself to save energy by biking everywhere. That’s all well and good, except that global warming is a myth. You know what’s not a myth? The masked bike-killer, who kills cyclists late at night. Wait, maybe I have those mixed up… I’ll get back to you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): This month is the time for spring cleaning. Things will start to look up when you find $20 in the couch. Then they’ll start to get worse when you find a stash of love letters from your partner’s secret lover. Then they’ll get really bad when you discover that your favourite dessert fork is slightly bent. On second thought, forget the cleaning.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): Pluto, the planet of second chances, is passing through Capricorn this month. You’ll finally get a second crack at the one who got away. I just thought you should know, so that when she breaks your heart again, you can have a really clever one-liner planned as she walks out the door.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Your life lately has been filled with regret for a choice made in the past. It is finally time to stop mourning and move on. Besides, there will always be another season of Canadian Idol for you to try out for.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Even though everyone says the swine flu threat has died down, you’re smart enough to know that it’s all just a cover-up by the liberal media. Sure, everyone’s been laughing at you for wearing that mask for the past month, but when they’re all dead, who’ll be laughing then? Not you, I hope. That’s creepy, dude.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Now that classes are over for the year, you’re finding life too boring. Your problem is that you have become so used to stress that you crave it. The best solution is to do something once a day that’s a little bit stressful, like do-it-yourself surgery or prank calling North Korea.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): After accidentally taking a handful of pills, you’ll be in a coma until next month, making this Cord-o-scope moot. And it’s a damn shame, too, because this month was going to be your one chance to meet your real father. And I hear he’s a helluva guy.

After getting lost for a week in a prayer labyrinth, Dave Shore realized he could tell the future. Now he writes the Cord-o-scopes once a month.

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