Cord-o-scopes: March 2012

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) This month you will realize that Menchie’s isn’t as healthy as you think. Those jeans are starting to look a little tight.

Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19) Around the 12th you will begin to realize that your desire to save the planet is not as strong as your desire to win a car ⎯ happy roll-up-the-rim season.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) Just because you normally sit at one particular desk in the library does not mean that you have a right to it. Take it easy with the death stares.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your instinct to find love in places where people are inebriated will pay off this month. Pervert.

Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22) You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. So don’t try it.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) You will party with the best of them this month, but be aware that your face’s shade of green will not be from face paint this St Patrick’s Day.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) Be brave this month; mix yourself up a pool of good old-fashioned Jell-O wrestling fun. If you attract more than flies, you will forever be remembered as a hero.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) On the 17th, you will finally have the courage to push aside your reservations and buy a guinea pig. On the 18th, you will immediately regret your decision.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Your luck is changing. Take that as you will. Or don’t, see if I care.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) Later in the month you will convince yourself that you actually miss the F’n’M dancers in the concourse on Sundays ⎯ until next year.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Listen carefully to the lyrics of the first song you hear today; follow these instructions verbatim. Here’s to hoping it’s the thong song.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Playing twister will be ideal later this week, as long as you don’t get really drunk and touch each other.

After being trapped in a Greyhound bus washroom with eight other people (including Wade Thompson, Katie Flood, Kate Turner and Linda Givetash) Taylor Gayowsky can now see the future.