Cord-o-scopes: January edition

Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Stop judging honey, you don’t know that person’s life. You don’t know why they got a piercing. You don’t know why they have SpongeBob scrubs on — YOU’RE the one at Wal-Mart.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18) Join a club! Meet new friends! Have fun! Be proactive! Buy ProActiv! So many exclamation marks!

Pisces (February 19- March 20) Don’t resort to tanning beds to get your tan this winter. Book a flight to where it is sunny (or sunny in your mind) for reading week. Do it right now! I’ll wait. I promise.

Aries (March 21- April 19) Rams sure can get antsy this time of year. Being indoors isn’t good for them. Get outside and enjoy the activities this time of year offers: skiing, snowboarding and even snowshoeing. Try your hand at Geocaching or set up a scavenger hunt.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) Feeling the winter blahs? It’s time to try Zumba! You’ll feel better and can imagine you’re somewhere tropical while listening to that funky salsa beat.

Gemini (May 21- June 20) It’s Oscar season, so watch all of the best picture nominees before the ceremony. Instead of going to class, you’re going to waste all your time and money going to the theatres.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) Make a big ol’ 2014 bucket list. Make a list of all the things you aren’t going to bother with this year.

Leo (July 23- August 22) Three words: Treat. Yo’. Self. Take yourself out on a shopping spree and burn through that Christmas money. You want it, no,  you deserve it! Wait. How much are textbooks?

Virgo (August 23- September 22) The stars have aligned in your favour! Try on those old jeans you’ve been hiding away. If they don’t fit, blame the stars. I’m just the messenger.

Libra (September 23- October 22) Balance is important. Work, life, school, friends – it can all be a challenge. And stop wearing those super high-heels you keep tipping over in.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Just take what you want. You’re a fierce individual. Take what you want, when you want. However, don’t be surprised if all of your friends abandon your new aggressive self.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) This is the semester where you finally get to prove yourself. It is time to work, not time to twerk.