Cord-o-scopes

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Put everything into perspective. No matter how bad your day is going, be comforted knowing that at least you aren’t Justin Bieber.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Don’t worry about being single on Valentine’s Day. Why would you want to share your chocolate and wine with anyone else?

Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19) Today you’ll find someone that is The Machine to your Florence.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) You’re not one who’s ever short on new ideas. What you are short on is cash. Let’s cut down on those mall trips! 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Don’t worry about what other people think of you. If you feel confident in those printed harem pants, you rock them. They may be strange, but as long as you’re confident, nothing can go wrong.

Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22) You’re on a lucky streak, this week, Cancer. Not only will you finish your assignments and reading early, but you will also get that summer job and go on a date with your crush. Dreams really do come true.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) Surprise! You have a midterm tomorrow that you completely forgot about. Looks like you’ll be using the guess and hope method. It is unclear whether this will work out for you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) If you are feeling stressed out with midterms and assignments, always remember that there are cupcakes.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) Tomorrow night you will be rewarded for all of your hard work. The reward may just be a pat on the back, but it will still feel good.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) You’re getting a new roommate this week! That roommate may be a pet fish, but at least you will always have good company.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) You are going to win the lottery. This isn’t sarcasm, you’re going to be filthy rich.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Your friends may make fun of your pitchy singing, but you’re sure to be the life of the party this Thursday at Chainsaw.

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