I donโt know anything about dating. I have zero validity when it comes to giving sound relationship advice.
But as a smart aleck who tends to think heโs funny, Iโve been on enough bad dates to at least give some tips on what not to do,ย ย ย some topics to avoid and other things that tend to result in embarrassment, injury or insult.
Donโt vape
At least with a cigarette thereโs some aesthetic sex appeal โ not that Iโm promoting itย โ but puffing out a fat cloud of mommy issues and instability isnโt going to make you any more attractive.
I donโt care if youโre fiending for that sweet, sweet nicotine on your way to the car after the movie. Save it for after youโre done crying in the shower once youโve gotten home.
Avoid the batting cages
I know you may be tempted to run over to the cages, eager to show off your home run swingย ย ย perfected in your house league days, but be weary.
Those dimpled rubber pellets tend to show little mercy to the skin. Combine that with the erratic tendencies of antique pitching machines and your next stop might just be the emergency room. Thereโs nothing sexy about dental implants.
Donโt overshare
For those who ramble when theyโre nervous, try and make a conscious effort to save something for the second date.
Iโm as guilty as anyone at this. Itโs alarmingly easy to over share details of your life that these strangers have no business knowing.
Donโt discuss your medically induced erectile dysfunction. Donโt explain your conspiracy theory about your widowed neighbour Clive seducing your mother with Harveyโs coupons and, most importantly, never ever discuss politics.
Movie dates suck
Iโm a hypocrite. I love movie dates. Iโll find any excuse to go buy stale, overpriced popcorn. I donโt mind paying a little extra to drag some poor straggler along to listen to my chewing.
But in the grand scheme of things, theyโre a terrible idea. Unless your date is into guys with territorial obsessions over arm ย ย rests and the thunderous echo of bodily gas against leather, go get a coffee.
Donโt brag
Be humble, damn it. No one cares about the writing prize you didnโt win; honorable mention doesnโt count, so donโt go out of your way to tell the story.
They donโt want to go to your late-night co-ed soccer game nor do they want to see the crucifix tattoo between where your abdominal muscles should be. Take some interest in the person across the table โ maybe they have some incoherent ink as well.
Overall, it really isnโt that hard. Weโre always told to โbe ourselvesโ when weโre anxious over a first date when in reality, most of us are scab-picking, illiterate nightmares frantically looking for someone to tolerate our incompetence for a couple hours.
So instead, I say be your best self. Iโm not saying change who you are in any way: just donโt bite your nails or siphon the wax out of your ears for a night.
If youโre the quiet type, feel free to sit back and listen for a while. If youโre an extrovert, donโt hesitate to ramble. If youโre a comic, god forbid, crack some jokes. Find that fine line and ride it.
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