Cord-o-scopes: July

Cancer
(June 21 – Jul. 22)
Your weekend is going to be so wild, YOLO won’t even begin to justify it.

Leo
(Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
On the next full moon, there may be a good chance that you won’t turn into a werewolf. Just maybe.

Virgo
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The more boys that you meet this month, the more you’ll realize that you love your dog.

Libra
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You need to get out more. Desperately. No wonder you don’t have any friends.

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’re going to meet the love of your life on the next Halley’s Comet. The next Halley’s Comet comes July 28, 2061.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You don’t always read horoscopes, but when you do, they are usually useless and irrelevant.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Don’t be jealous of One Direction! It’s not their fault they can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
The zombie apocalypse begins tomorrow. Not to be a downer or anything, but you will not survive.

Pisces
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
If you want a sexy bikini body, stop eating cake, fat ass. I won’t sugar coat this horoscope, because you’ll probably eat that too.

Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
Congratulations! You finally found your friends. They were hiding inside your head.

Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
You’re doing exceptional work in your summer job. Too bad your boss doesn’t quite agree…

Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
This week, try and be nicer to those around you. Even Jesus is starting to think that you’re an asshole.