Urgent reform needed to accommodate lazy students

With extensive analysis into the university curriculum, I have come to an unsettling conclusion regarding the way that lectures are delivered, assignments and exams designed and the extent of professors’ expectations; all of the aforementioned neglect to cater to students who do not give a rat’s ass about education.

Fortunately, universities stand in a unique position to salvage dropping overall program GPAs and could save thousands of dollars if the following recommendations are considered, rather than paying expensive consultant fees to deal with this demographic of students.

To begin, professors’ lectures provide such students with little direction when it comes to identifying important information. Rather than including unnecessary filler information, professors would find it easier to reach these students by mentioning only vital points that will indefinitely be found on exams or used in assignments.

PowerPoint presentations should avoid including too much text as this is more often than not overwhelming. Instead, pictures can tell the same story with lessons becoming a game of Pictionary with bonus points and snacks awarded to the lucky winners. Where pictures are deemed inadequate to use in lecture, South Park and Family Guy episodes can always serve as a second best alternative.

Assignments, on the other hand, serve as perhaps the greatest obstacle among this group of students in reaching success. Essay topics are often outdated, irrelevant and uninteresting.

Students would be better off writing about people who matter in the current day like Robert Pattinson, Kanye West and Snooky as opposed to focusing on the same bunch of dead guys over and over again. Similarly, rather than reporting on the state of the Canadian economy, an analysis of the state of “The Situation’s” abs is considerably more interesting and relevant to a political science class given the threat that he poses to human [female] security, for example.
Equally important is the need for professors to change the way that they deal with this demographic of students.

Too often, professors suspect that students with virtually no trace of participation in the class as well as an overall, low grade often provide illegitimate excuses for missed classes, late assignments and exam deferrals.

Yet, I choose to vouch for these individuals as I have found through my own research that these students have on average, particularly weak immune systems, terrible luck with laptops and are more susceptible to mental and emotional breakdowns, all of which contribute to their poor attendance and performance.

All in all, post-secondary institutions have consistently favored cookie-cutter “do your work, go to class” students and consequently, do not accommodate students who would rather take part in daily Call of Duty: Black Ops marathons instead of making something of themselves.

As such, a significant overhaul of the university curriculum must take place in order to reach out to these students and embrace their unique — although often assumed, nonexistent — learning style. Indeed, universities have the capability to foster a more inclusive learning environment that welcomes students of all academic backgrounds and varying levels of laziness.

And to those worried about prestige, I say “Maclean’s rankings shmankings.”