The idiocy of 2020’s first presidential debate

The first presidential debate was more disappointing than ordering Subway only to discover your entire sandwich is soaking wet. “How did this happen?” you wonder, “Why even bother in the first place?”  

At best, the debate was a display of male ignorance, phallic compensation and utter idiocy. 

As a conscious advocate for political justice, I will try my very best to avoid cruel and prejudiced thoughts and insults against the presidential candidates.

I’m not going to sit here and say Trump looked like a jaundiced baboon with a martyr complex. I’m not going to say the wisps of his thinning hair has the matte consistency of a Swiffer WetJet; nor will I say his smug, elitist grin looks like Gary Busey finally reaching climax after nine long years of abstinence. 

It’s cruel and superficial. There is no point in wasting your time rambling about how Trump’s fingers look like adorable baby carrots or how the hue of his rosy cheeks almost resembles an apricot soaked in urine. We’re better than that and you know it.

We’re here to talk about the facts, the criticisms and the sheer idiocy that was 2020’s first presidential debate.

Let’s start on a positive note by talking about Joe Biden. Personally, I was impressed by Biden’s composure. At times throughout the debate he may have seemed a little thrown off by Trump’s incessant pestering, slightly shaken by the prepubescent tantrum taking place to his right, but he kept it together—for the most part—and coherently delivered his lines.

I have no issue with Biden calling his competitor a “clown”—in fact, I love it. But do take my opinion with a grain of salt, I rarely pay any attention to politics and more than anything I simply hate notorious racist Donald Trump.

Debora VanNijnatten, associate professor of political science at Laurier,a much more credible opinion than myself, had a slightly different take on Biden’s evening. 

“I thought Biden appeared rattled at various points, and it was not a good look for him,”  VanNijnatten said. “I also expect that his handlers were not happy that he called Trump a ‘clown’ and a ‘fool’ and seemed to move ‘down’ to Trump’s level.”

But unlike Trump, Biden remained respectful and emotionally composed throughout the chaotic debate. He answered the hard questions while his competitor shimmied his plump, geriatric torso around them.

Trump was an obnoxious nightmare. To the uniformed, casual viewer, it almost seemed as if he was throwing in the towel. He blatantly attacked Biden’s family, refused to denounce white supremacy—almost promoting it—and spent his evening acting like a preteen bitterly frustrated with his parents for saying no to the LEGO store.

During a discussion about the pandemic, rather than invoking comfort in the hearts of his citizens, Trump decided to comment on Biden’s intelligence. “Don’t ever use the word smart with me… there’s nothing smart about you, Joe,” Trump said. 

I rejoiced as I watched. It was like watching Adolf Hitler commit suicide. How could anybody in their right mind vote for such an immature, unintelligent moron? Once again, I don’t always know what I’m talking about.

“I think [Trump’s behaviour] was a deliberate strategy which could have been aimed at reinforcing an image of a strong, no-holds barred president, who will stop at nothing to achieve what his supporters want,”  VanNijnatten said. “Trump can already count on the support of ‘Trump loyalists’, but can’t win with them alone.”

“He needs to attract more voters (swing voters, who may vote for Republicans or Democrats depending on the issues being discussed) in the center–especially women and minority voters, young people, voters with postsecondary education and suburban voters. His performance, in my opinion, did little to improve his chances with these groups.”

Unfortunately for Canadians who can’t do a damn thing about our neighbours to the south, it seems we’ll just have to wait until Nov. 3 to see a winner.

While forming your own political stance, please don’t take my word for it. I’m the kind of political contributor who votes Green because he thinks it’s fun to mow the lawn. As much as I enjoy the entertainment, I just want to see the racist homophobe voted out of office.