The common cold’s defence letter

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I’m told that I’m a true people admirer. I just can’t get enough of them.

Their different and unique shapes and sizes, their need to constantly be around each other and their willingness to share. They truly are remarkable creatures.

Ever since they have been born, I too have surrounded myself around them and have been there all their lives. But my presence around them is unwanted and whenever I arrive, they wish that I would go away. Whenever I visit them, I make them feel sick almost instantly. It drives them nuts, they hate it when I’m around.

They try their best to blow me off, drink as much orange juice as they can or sleep so that I can’t disturb them. But I can’t help it that when I see their delicious warm bodies, I just want to fester myself into them.

They make it so easy for me to come in contact with them how they are constantly touching dirty things and not bothering to wash their hands. It’s an open invitation and when I get it, I take advantage of it.

My real name is Nasopharyngitis but people call me “Cold”. I love hanging out at Laurier and if I had the brains to major in anything, it would be business. I hear it’s a great program and I get very excited hanging out at the Peters Building with all my other germ pals; they get jealous over how easy I get around.

I arrived on the first day of O-Week eager to start my new year and immediately socialized amongst all the first years and ice breakers. They were extremely happy during that time and I thought we were going to get along. I had a wild week as I was passed along a lot: especially when people came into contact with their mouths. But as always once I get myself comfortable, they immediately resented me.

After a couple of days of them fighting with me, I got weak and decided to leave. I wanted to expand my social circle anyways so I ventured outside the residences and onto the off-campus houses on Ezra, Hazel, even Columbia. Of course once I arrived, the upper year students got angry. And I mean, really angry. They lamented that they hated being sick and constantly sniffing; that the congestion was too much pressure for their heads, and worse, it was during the first week of school.

I thought I was doing them a favour. Does anyone at Laurier really like going to class? If anything, I should be awarded “Best excuse to not do your readings” – Or just not go to lecture at all. I give them that opportunity and what do they do? Hate me for it. They say I make them tired and that their noses are too runny. They don’t like their dry scratched up noses from rubbing tissues up their nostrils, or their sore throats and funny voices.

All I hear is the complaints but then why haven’t they done a good job of preventing me in the first place? I mean, all they have to do is not put their dirty hands on their faces, and stop spreading me around by coughing properly and consistently washing themselves. Maybe that’s too much to ask.

So, to every Laurier student that I’ve encountered in the past couple of weeks: I’m sorry that I’ve ruined your days by making you feel and look so “gross”.

I’m starting to feel a bit worn off and will probably take a break soon and lay low on campus.

But I’m warning you, I’ll be back. Whether you like it or not.

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