Preparing for Oktoberfest

Last year, my first Oktoberfest experience ended in slurred words, smudged makeup, dishevelled clothing and a step-staggering procession from the dance floor to a taxi and finally home to bed. This all took place with an escort from the venue’s fine security staff.

This year, I am bound and determined to make sure Oktoberfest is a beer-drinking, hat-wearing, polka-dancing success.

With this in mind I have cleverly devised a plan; an ultimate guide to the celebration of Oktoberfest.

First, let’s go through some preparations. Make sure your vocal chords are in good shape prior to your days of drinking. Yodelling requires a top-notch esophagus; trust me, you’ll want to sing along. Also it’s somewhat impossible to chant “Prost!” when you sound like a 76-year-old smoker.

Next, YouTube the polka and commit those moves to memory. This drunken dance should become second nature once the Bavarian beats start pumping through the Festhallen.

Finally, practice a “sober” drunk walk and employ it anytime a bouncer is in eyeshot. Believe me, they will toss you out faster than you can shout “Wilkommen.”

Following preparations, let’s get into precautions. Make sure you eat a large meal the night of your alcoholic activities. My suggestion for the occasion: sausage and sauerkraut.

Do not mix beer and liquor and do not start drinking any earlier than 5 p.m.

As for keg stands, funnels and drinking games, just say no. You won’t need any assistance getting intoxicated; you will however need assistance holding your hair out of the toilet as you vomit profusely into it.

Finally let’s establish an appearance; should you buy a feathered felt hat?
Absolutely! There are few occasions during the year in which you’re allowed to sport an exaggerated Robin Hood-like cap, so colour co-ordinate as you please and wear it proudly.

Lederhosen aren’t necessary but are whole-heartedly encouraged. If you’re willing to look that goofy for the festivities somebody had better be buying you a beer or two.

Lastly, wear comfortable footwear; the floor will be sticky and slippery, forget heels and opt for Crocs.

That should be just about enough to cover the preparatory considerations of this Bavarian beerfest. The night is now in your hands; so pick your place and pick your poison, throw some pins on those suspenders and catch the free GRT to one of Hans’ hangouts.

To all of those celebrating their appreciation for the alcohol consumption of the German nation: PROST!