Open Cord (July 8): Which celebrity would you punch?

Graphic by Wade Thompson.

Question: You have one, single punch to deliver to any celebrity. There will be no consequences for you, and they can’t do a single thing about it. This is your, for all intents and purposes, magic punch. Who you gonna use it on?? And yes, they have to be “famous”.

Nick Lachance, Photography Manager

GEORGE FUCKING LUCAS!!! THERE YOU GO BITCH, THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BASTARDIZING MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD!!! I’d punch that asshole so hard they would feel the justice in a galaxy far, far away.

Alanna Fairey, Lead Reporter

I kind of feel awful that I have to punch someone in the face. Mostly because I probably would never punch anyone. BUT, if I had to choose someone face to punch, I would have no trouble doing it to… Julia Roberts. Yes, I know you’re all probably aghast that someone would punch “America’s Sweetheart” in the face but I have my justifications! First off, I don’t think she really deserves to be America’s sweetheart. She’s boring to me and her movies nowadays are just the same old thing done a million times over. I really don’t enjoy her personality; it has always seemed very fake to me. If she were a really good actress like everyone claims her to be, she would be better at hiding it. But I think the main thing for me to punch her in the face is her obnoxious laugh. When she laughs or does so much as open her mouth, something violent coils inside me and I am convinced that I could actually cause harm to her horse-like mouth! That’s the other thing that bothers me too; her face is very horse-like in appearance and I think that when it’s been punched, it will look like a human being’s face. God, I feel like a horrible human being.

Carly Basch, Life Editor

This sounds crazy, but I’ve wanted to meet Quentin Tarantino so badly for an extremely long time. He is my idol, I love his work, and I would kill to have a conversation with him. The opportunity to meet him would be a dream come true. Now, the only thing is, how do I get his attention from everyone else? Sure I could dress to impress, shout out his name and say something witty, but have you watched his films? He has a dark, weird and twisted mind. I honestly think that in order to get his attention, win him over and convince him that I am unique and worth spending a few hours chatting with, I would have to magic punch him in the face. I really feel that he would admire that. He presents women in his films as tough, independent girls who know how to kick ass. Are they sexualized? Yes, sometimes but that’s part of the fantasy (and a topic I don’t feel like going in depth into right now). As a true admirer, I would love to go up and punch  Tarantino in the face. But let’s face it: do you really think my biceps would have such an effect on him?

Marissa Evans, Lead Reporter

Kristen Stewart. Maybe I should thank her for making me realize what an idiot Bella Swan is (though I don’t know how I didn’t see it before), but I’d rather just punch her in the face. Most actors get better with experience. Quite honestly she was way better in Zathura than in anything recent she’s done. Right now I can hardly handle watching any movie she is in without cringing at her constant cringing. Maybe a decent punch in the face would produce some emotion from her!

Stephanie Truong, Graphics Editor

I think I would punch Ashton Kutcher in the face. I don’t even really know him as an actor that well, but from what I’ve seen, I don’t think I would like him much even if I did. The way he speaks, it’s like he’s always yelling or straining his voice… so obnoxious. He’s also incredibly two-dimensional in his acting, I swear he’s had the same role since 2001, and he is just generally very dull to watch and painful to listen to. Seriously, he speaks at such an intense decibel.

Elizabeth DiCesare, Campus News Editor

I would really love to punch a lot of people in the face, but if I had to choose right now, it would be Leonardo DiCaprio. That bitch is going to ruin The Great Gatsby!

Justin Fauteux, Editor-in-Chief

This one was easy, Seth MacFarlane. I’ll admit, Family Guy’s made me laugh on numerous occasions, but Mr. MacFarlane, YOU’RE NOT THAT FUNNY. Seriously, he’s made his living with such mediocre, obvious “humour” and he thinks he’s God’s fucking gift to comedy. Not only that, he is (or maybe was) somehow dating Kate Todd? How dare you defile Shady Lane. How dare you.

Katelyn Cullum, Lead Reporter

Any of the Kardashians.

Gillian Lopes, Copy Editing Manager

Tom Cruise. There are some movies I like where he makes an appearance. I don’t know what it is about him.

Shaun Fitl, Web Editor

I’m gonna have to magic punch Bill O’Reilly. The guy has had it coming through all these past years of him vomiting his arrogant, and often blatantly incorrect, political views all over a particularly gullible American demographic. His show The O’Reilly Factor is one of the most popular shows on Fox News (which is itself one of the most widely viewed cable news shows in the U.S.) but I just do not understand how it stays that way. Not only does he regularly ridicule, interrupt and insult his guests but he has also been repeatedly exposed for fear-mongering with misinformation and lies. Overall, he seems to have no sense of accountability for the ignorance he perpetuates and in many cases brags about how rich he has gotten from what he sees as “entertainment.” I am not entertained, Bill, and what you are doing is not news so I don’t even know what the eff to call you.

Justin Smirlies, Managing Editor: News

To be honest, I have more of like a “hit-list” when it comes to celebrities, because there’s probably around 50 that I want to knock right in the mouth. We champion celebrities, sport stars and other famous people because we think that their lives are much more interesting than ours, but they aren’t. And when I see little girls going nuts for One Direction/Justin Bieber-like mother fuckers it makes me want to move to a different planet.  There are very few celebrities and famous folk that I actually do respect, but it’s increasingly becoming a rarity. The class, sophistication, talent and humbleness just isn’t there anymore. So to avoid making this longer than it already it is, the one celebrity that I would like to punch in the face would be Donald Trump. And then maybe on my way home I’ll give a good punch to Tyler Perry and Michael Bay for consistently making money from their shitty movies. Oh, and maybe Bono too. Sorry, couldn’t just choose one.

Shelby Blackley, Sports Editor

I feel like this is a reenactment of the Lay’s commercial, except instead of eating, it’s “bet you can’t punch just one.” You can’t expect me to choose just one celebrity. It’s too hard. They’ve all proven that the cynics in the world have a reason to continue to be cynical because they take “glamour” and turn it into nothing more than a chance to fuck up another reputation. With that being said, give me any past Disney celeb that has gone from being top of the charts to landing in rehab (bet you can’t name just one) and I’ll guarantee that my sucker punch finishes their train of horror.

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