Innocently or not, the word “daddy” seems to send a shiver down the spines of most students these days — and not in a good way.
There’s a lot to be said about daddy-dom relationships and it seems that the only side to the conversation that is being discussed is the negative views of outsiders.
“Now that it’s more out in the open and talked about, a lot of people kink-shame it. People are saying that it’s only for girls who’ve had daddy issues or whatnot — it’s not true,” said Mikayla Ozaruk, a student at Fanshawe College who is the “baby” in a daddy-dom relationship.
Rather than a daddy-dom relationship being defined by an overarching theme, there are groups in the community who want to stress a more personal connection between the people who are involved.
“I think it can be defined [as a] relationship by relationship basis,” said Daniel Moore*, a “daddy” living in the Waterloo area.
“It depends on the people involved with it and it can range from either just being called ‘daddy’ in bed or it can translate into something outside the bedroom, as well.”
Daddy-dom relationships are not limited exclusively to a male dominant and a female submissive, either.
Though “daddy” kinks are more commonly discussed, the “mommy” kink is also prevalent in the BDSM community and the kink doesn’t have any gender quota.
It’s just something people enjoy in the bedroom; no set requirements necessary.
“[People] have these preconceptions and they assume it’s associated with what I’ll call harder things, like BDSM and all that, but it doesn’t necessarily need to be like that,” Moore said.
Often, due to the similar names, a daddy-dom relationship is confused with having a sugar daddy. Though the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive, they do have some key differences.
“I think sugar daddy relationships are too fixated on material wants, not so much love, and that’s my problem with sugar daddies,” Moore claimed.
Sugar daddies provide monetary value in exchange for sex; daddy-doms just provide an outlet for the bedroom; no money required.
However, like most kinks in the BDSM community, this is not commonly known because no one seems to want to talk about it.
The closest contact most people have to the BDSM community is through the Fifty Shades of Grey series.
Using this as the example, it’s easy to see why there are misconceptions about the BDSM community, but it’s also clear that there is some kind of interest, considering how successful the franchise has been.
What’s the difference between Christian Grey and “daddy”? Well, in the real world, proper daddies listen to consent and safe words.
“[Fifty Shades of Grey] is quite a poor representation and it gives everyone that’s into it kind of a bad rap because it makes them seem abusive and just wanting to cause pain, when that’s definitely not the case,” Moore said.
With the newest addition to the movie franchise hitting theatres around Valentine’s Day, Ozaruk cautioned against blindly using the film as a tool to explore your sexuality.
“Research it! Don’t try things based off Fifty Shades of Grey, because, yes, I am a fan of the books and the movies, but I also have educated myself in that kind of stuff, where I know how to do stuff and know stuff that is okay and is not okay,” she said.
Experimenting with your sexuality and learning everything you can about a kink, beyond it’s representation on screen, is imperative to maintaining your safety.
Consent and trust are a part of any healthy relationship and daddy-dom is no different.
A lot of the stigma comes from the connotation of incest, which is a very real, non-consensual aspect that can happen in the real world.
In a daddy-dom relationship, the aspect of playing incest is a misconception, too. The kink, according to members of the community, has nothing to do with incest at all.
“It’s not like I’m calling him my actual daddy,” says Ozaruk. “It’s just like, not a term of endearment, but like a nickname. Like babe and baby: everybody calls their significant other that.”
The relationship, like any other, seems to come back to love and trust in another person, but babies take it a step further, trusting in a Daddy to care for them and treat them to a kinkier side of their bedroom activities.
But just like every other relationship, the daddy-dom lifestyle does have some downsides.
With all of the trust in this kind of relationship, communication is vital to keep all participants safe and secure.
“I think with some people, going into a relationship like a daddy-dom relationship, it’s either their first time or they really don’t understand what they want and they cross a boundary or they cross a line, either for themselves or for their partner that makes them feel uncomfortable,” Moore said.
The stigma behind the relationship is also a major hurdle for participants to overcome, should they decide to make their relationship public.
“If you go full blown and you’re public with it, wearing collars and stuff that says ‘Daddy’ on it … then it’s off to some people because people don’t always want to hear about your sex life. You know, they don’t want to know your kinks unless they ask you and usually when they ask you, they want something from you,” Ozaruk claimed.
However, for Ozaruk, the passion in the relationship seems to outweigh the potential scorn from the nay-sayers.
“If you’re private with it and it’s just between you and your partner, then I don’t really see any downsides to it.”
So the moral? Communicate and be consensual. Other than that, what happens behind closed doors is nothing to scoff at.
As long as the relationship is safe and consensual, none of us are in a position to parent what people do in their bedrooms.
*Name has been changed for privacy purposes
