Cord-o-scopes: November 7, 2012

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
It’s your month. Good for you. Some time around the 13th, you’ll encounter a man and/or woman named Peach. Stay away from Peach.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
Do your best to avoid putting money on that horse your friend recommends to you. He’s not gonna place and you’re gonna lose that allowance you earned raking your neighbour’s leaves. It’s a much safer bet to put all your money in that stock you’ve had your eye on. Or not, what the hell do I know.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20):
You had best start getting your Christmas shopping done early this year, so don’t start later than the 20th. Otherwise, that special something you had in mind for your boy/girlfriend will be harder to find than an owl not wearing a graduation cap and teaching math.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
You probably hear this all the time, but this month is the dawning of the age of, well, you. Treat yourself to a day off here and there. But don’t slack on the 22nd. On the 22nd, you will be needed more than you’ve ever been needed. For sex.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
On the 10th, you’ll recall a song from your childhood and have the sudden urge to listen to it. Resist this urge with all of your might as that song will ruin one of your friendships. Unless that song is “Pieces of Me” by Ashlee Simpson. That song is above friendship.

Aries (March 21 – April 20):
Gather up your courage and ask your crush out on a date. I’m not saying that this will end well for you, but I thought you could use some encouragement.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21):
Your sibling will try and convince you to pitch in for a gift of some kind for your parents. If you accept, everything will be fine, but if you don’t and you get something on your own, you will be praised as the favourite child whilst your brother/sister cries in the corner.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21):
Everything might seem to be falling apart for you this month, but don’t be afraid to just say “fuck it” and power through. Use your friends and co-workers as support. Also candy.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23):
Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight (aka on the 19th).

Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23):
Don’t just be lion around this month. Get it?? Because you’re a Leo! But in all seriousness, if you relax too hard in November bad things will happen. Bad, 1990’s Robert Downey, Jr.-like things.

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
This month, when you’re least expecting it, you will find Carmen San Diego. Hint: Check all the Starbucks.

Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Embrace any and all lemon-flavoured foods thrown your way this month. I can’t tell you how I know this, but it may result in a pony. If you play your cards right.