Cord-o-Scopes: November 2011

*Libra *(Oct 30th – Nov 23rd)

You’re a confident person at times. There are also times where you express shyness and modesty. You enjoy flirting, occasionally. This will be your big month to do something bold; however, you may simply keep to yourself.

Scorpio (Nov 23rd – Dec 17th)

This is your month to indulge in the good life of fine dining. Scorpios are known for loving tasty foods and hating disgusting foods. Keep that in mind when making hungry decisions.

Sagittarius (Dec 17th – Jan 20th)

You and romance have been in an on-going battle since day one. Love hasn’t always treated you right, but what keeps you going is your positivity and optimism. Unfortunately, that needs to stop. Avoid wasting your time; purchase a cozy one-bedroom apartment, perhaps adopt a few (25) cats. Get ahead of the game.

Capricorn (Jan 20th – Feb 16th)

You will see someone you love this month (this includes friends, family, acquaintances).

Aquarius (Feb 16th – Mar 11th)

You will see something you don’t love this week (this includes shoes, lamps, and any other inanimate objects).

Pisces (Mar 11th – Apr 18th)

You are known for your kindness. From constantly helping out your peers, to donating to charity, you do it all. I know all that good Karma can be exhausting, but have no fear — it will reward you in the near future. Oh crap, I was totally looking at the wrong set of stars. In my defense, it is really foggy out!

Aries (Apr 18th – May 13th)

You are the life of the party. This week you will find yourself continuing to be outgoing and very social. People seem to really like you! Except for that one guy, he fucking hates you.

Taurus (May 13th – June 21st)

You’re hot, I can just tell. Congratulations you sexy beasts. I know a girl who is an Taurus and she is hot, so like, probably, right?

Gemini (Jun 21st – Jul 20th)

This is going to be the month where you stand up for yourself and leave that loser. He’s more in love with his PS3 than you. You can do it, just don’t stare directly into his chin-strap beard.

Cancer (Jul 20th – Aug 10th)

The stars are telling me that you are all pissed that your horoscope sign is titled “cancer.” Real depressing.

Leo (Aug 10th – Sept 16th)

The stars say fortune for all Leos this week. You will win a vacation to the Bahamas. Your hotel room number will be 307. You will order room service at three in the morning and soon realize you contracted food poisoning. A young attractive man named Lorenzo will nurse you back to health.

Virgo (Sept 16th – Oct 30th)

You are going to die this week. Believe me, I’m just a sad as you are; I have a friend who is a Virgo. I wish there was something we could do, but it’s inevitable. Keep in mind this is a horoscope, not some sketchy news source that provides broad details in which everyone can relate to. Don’t blame me, blame the stars. Rest in peace, 1/12th of the world.