Cord Arts: The ultimate Oscar playlist

Eating cookie dough in bed

Gravity – Start your evening off with a nerve-shattering ride through the cold reaches of space with this thriller-to-end-all-thrillers. The story may never evolve beyond George Clooney’s orders of “get to Earth and let me enjoy the view,” but that is one of its many strengths. It’s a straightforward and sublime sensory experience to kick off this playlist.

“Let it Go” from Frozen – To help you come down from the Gravity-induced adrenaline kick, spend a few minutes listening to this near-certain Best Song winner. A tune that uses the word ‘past’ twice in the same sentence may not have the greatest lyrical prowess but that’s besides the point. The memorable and continually-building melody will ensure it’s stuck in your head and the gusto of Idina Menzel’s vocals will get you singing along.

Despicable Me 2 – While lacking any heart or legitimate reason to exist, this Animated Feature nominee fits into the playlist because of the consistent amusement and occasional hilarity it brings. It may be a pre-packaged kind of funny, but that kind of thing is okay when you’re in your pyjamas and have zero cares in the world. Enjoy it once then likely never think about it again.

The Wolf of Wall Street – However, this entry only pertains to the first half of the film. After that, it starts getting self-analytical and serious, and that’s the last thing you want on your indulgent night to yourself. Serious engagement with the material will have to wait because this cookie dough won’t eat itself. The first 90 minutes of this unconventional crime film are a riotous rush of drugs, sex, and excess. The people on screen may represent the worst of the 1 per cent, but only watching until the midpoint will allow you to enjoy the anarchy without considering the consequences.
—Chris Donald

Just got laid
The Wolf of Wall Street – Nothing says I just got laid like watching this instant classic. Martin Scorsese’s newest feature film, The Wolf of Wall Street, is a total triumphantly sexual flick. Whether it’s the extremely good looking lead cast or perhaps the fast paced lifestyle that is documented throughout, any way you slice it, this movie is all about lavish success. Watching this one post-intimate time could really sum up how you feel about lust, love and Leo.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Bradley Cooper & Amy Adams –Usually after engaging in sexual activity, you feel a like a big deal. Maybe you feel extremely hyper and enthusiastic like Bradley Cooper in American Hustle. Perhaps you feel like the suave and above the law like Leo in The Wolf of Wall Street. Or maybe you might even feel like the confidently ravishing Amy Adams in American Hustle. Whichever your alter-sexual identity is, after you get laid, the world is yours.

“Happy” – Despicable Me 2 – After getting a little action, you feel, well, happy. The Pharrell produced track appropriately titled “Happy” is a perfect pre, during and post intercourse song. It’s nominated for Best Original Song from Despicable Me 2 but Pharrell’s sensual voice makes this track a must for sexy time.

Last twenty minutes of Captain Phillips – The last 20 minutes of Captain Phillips invokes the same feeling of having a fruitful sexual interaction. In the dying minutes of this Oscar-nominated flick, the pirates holding Tom Hanks’ character get epically gunned down by a group of deadly navy seal marksmen. They simultaneously snipe the pirates and free Tom Hanks. The feeling of sheer inertia is definitely greater or equal to a great time.
—Scott Glaysher

Parental supervision not required
Her – “Scarlet Johansson phone sex” is probably all you need to hear to keep you from watching this Oscar-nominated flick with your parents. The movie deals with some pretty heavy topics and the last thing you want is to have an in-depth conversation about what love is with your parents.

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa – Little boy, dressed as a girl, stripping. Man, dressed as an old man, also getting naked. Need I say more? It’s Johnny Knoxville’s latest venture and features far too many balls to truly enjoy while sitting next to the people that gave you life.

12 Years a Slave – No one wants to see their parents cry and you certainly don’t want them to catch you weeping either. The film features intense scenes of torture as well as a number of naked slaves. There is a particularly intense sequence in which the main character hangs from a rope, half-dead for an extended period of time. This flick is not exactly family friendly material.

The Broken Circle Breakdown – Though sure to be an excellent movie, like many foreign films this one promises nudity, swearing and content not allowed in America. The film tells the story of two lover who lose a child and their breakdown afterwards, including a brush with drugs.
—Spencer Dunn