‘Tis the season for totalitarianism


Are you a fan of Santa Claus? What about the North Pole? If you answered yes, chances are you’re also a staunch supporter of totalitarian regimes – does Stalin ring a bell? If what I’m saying sounds a bit off, then you will be equally surprised to hear that throughout your childhood leaving cookies and milk out for Santa was a blatant sign of support for the totalitarian state of the North Pole.

With your letters addressed to Santa Claus you legitimized the old man’s authority and control over hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of working class citizens commonly known as elves. However, I can understand with what eagerness you prepared for Christmas as consumerism has always been successful in the spread of holiday propaganda at this time of the year in stores, on TV and even in schools.

I can imagine your face now as you read this, wondering how you could have unknowingly helped sustain such an oppressive, restrictive and surprisingly powerful regime. So let me take you into the dark reality of Santa Claus and his North Pole; I hope that this exposure will encourage a global fight against this and other undemocratic regimes in existence today.

Unlike any totalitarian leader in the past, Santa’s charisma is really something else and is undoubtedly one of the fundamental reasons behind continued spread of support for his regime. Think back – when did you start considering yourself a follower? You probably can’t remember because the belief in Santa was instilled in you soon after birth.

Though you never laid eyes on the man, his message of a “good night to all” was enough to keep the chocolate chip cookies and homogenized milk coming year after year.

Within the North Pole, there are no limits to Santa’s authority and he effectively regulates every aspect of public and private life where possible. Citizens – though are only employed seasonally – work long hours, often called in to work overtime when last minute orders come in. Their hard work has little pay off, as elves do not receive financial compensation and have only a slight say in decision-making.

Most troublingly, Santa molds his little workers into a peculiar way of thinking; a crazed sort of happiness and delusional song singing at every hour of the day.
Elves are to be seen and not heard. Santa’s insistence that they stay in the North Pole when he makes his rounds on Christmas Eve is a glimpse of the paranoia and mistrust that serve as a basis for the regime. Santa is often referred to as “Kim Jong-Claus” and his leadership has left many North Pole citizens clinging on to the hope that they will one day escape to the South Pole. Unfortunately for them, the two poles do not share a border.

So, at this point you are at a crossroads. Do you continue believing in and supporting the white bearded man that has left you with countless fond memories? Or do you join in the global war against consumerism, premature holiday decorating, milk and cookies and all other forms of support for totalitarianism?
Quite simply, to make this decision easiest for you recall all of the disappointing Christmases in your life where you didn’t get what you wanted and know that it was a way of Santa telling you to shove it.

It’s time to start our own coup d’état. Who’s with me?

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