The wanted sorcerer

WLUSP President and Cord Alum Dani Saad gets satirical

One August long ago, before democratic societies, global governance and processed food, Saudi Arabia convicted and executed 26 individuals in a single month. Some were tortured until confession and all faced a legal system that wasn’t codified, but depended instead on a judge’s interpretation of Islamic Law.

Of those 26 executed, some were murderers, others were drug smugglers — but one was a sorcerer. We know he was a sorcerer because he was convicted and beheaded for his sorcery.

Thankfully, he and his owl were captured just moments before boarding the Hogwarts Express. Oh hold on, this was August of this year? I can’t believe this. I really thought the Saudi minister of justice had a good head on his shoulders.

In any event, sorcerers have been migrating steadily out of the Kingdom under the cloak of darkness (and invisibility) as Saudi judges continue to look for the missing piece of the Quran which makes clear that women should neither drive nor have an education.

Meanwhile, United States of America president Barack Obama has made clear that the U.S. will not stand for genocide and will support the rights of minority groups that are receiving media attention around the globe.

The White House has called on all countries that value human rights and justice to protect the latest minority at risk: sorcerers. A source from within the Pentagon revealed that the U.S. government had offered refugee status to sorcerers in hopes that they could make the last decade in Iraq disappear.

In other news related to minorities, protests following the police shooting of Michael Brown have lead to a change in police hiring policy.

Obama has expressed far less interest in the protection of this minority group, but due to recent public scrutiny, white police officers will be phased out and completely removed from the system by 2017.

Police departments in all urban and suburban areas will exclusively operate with black police officers, so the mainstream media and white people everywhere can go back to expressing little to no interest in the lives of young black men.

Police officers in Ferguson, the town where Michael Brown was shot, will now wear cameras for increased transparency and accountability.

This solution was deemed the best option after an investigation confirmed that America’s gun culture, along with racism, segregation and underfunded law enforcement agencies had nothing to do with the shooting.

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