Eating Tide Pods has become the internet’s latest obsession

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Graphic by Alan Li

 

What started out as an oddly popular internet joke that circulated various meme websites — and was the focus of a satirical article published by The Onion in 2015 — has now transformed into a cautionary tale about what not to put in your mouth.

Just when I thought humanity could not lower itself any farther and the limit for depravity had been reached, teenagers and young adults seemingly banded together to prove the world wrong once again.

Tide Pods have become the prime target for multiple morons who think that biting into these laundry detergent capsules will lead to hilarity and harmless entertainment.

To this I only have one thing to say — what the fuck?

I guess if I looked at this optimistically, I could argue that if the herd must be thinned in some way or another and, if this is the way it happens, then so be it. If Darwin was alive today he’d probably be shrugging his shoulders.

But I can’t wrap my mind around how anyone with a functioning brain could possibly think this would be a good idea. Not only doing it to begin with, but filming it and proudly sharing the experience online.

To add insult to injury, I’ve seen several mommy-bloggers and argumentative simple-minded nobodies blaming Tide, of all things, for making the pods to begin with.

Angry accusations have cropped up in comment sections that point shaky fingers at P&G, saying Tide Pods are made to look too “delicious” and appealing to the apparently flimsy resolve humans have for not shoving brightly coloured poison packs into their mouths.

By doing so, you can cause internal damage depending on how much of it you ingested, along with chemical burns and severe diarrhea, all for the sake of a meme and a College Humour video that was clearly intended to be a joke and not a how-to, step-by-step cure for momentary boredom or a way to curb weird cravings.

The culprit out of this whole trend is clearly a laundry detergent company and not the magpie consumers who are too distracted by swirly colours and 90s infused nostalgia about their similarity to Fruit Gushers to notice the numerous warning labels on the packaging.

I’m going to hazard a guess and say that the folks at Proctor & Gamble Co. never expected adult customers to be willingly shoving their non-edible clothing cleaning products into their mouths and inadvertently putting themselves in danger.

Containers of those pods have always had warnings on them (like any poisonous product), but those warnings were presumably aimed at children under the age of three who unwittingly shove anything their little hands can grab into their greedy mouths.

I read an article published by Buzzfeed the other day called This Is What Will Happen To Your Body If You Eat A Tide Pod and I skimmed the detailed description of what could potentially happen to you if you bit into one of these suckers for a laugh.

The picture really isn’t pretty and it shouldn’t take a Buzzfeed article that quotes a doctor to convince people not to eat a poisonous substance.

Regardless, it has to be said apparently in order to hit home for the pea-brained individuals who consider this a harmless past time and internet joke akin to participating in the cinnamon challenge or playing chubby bunny on camera (both of which people have died and sustained injuries from).

Those other internet “challenges” didn’t involve ingesting a bunch of concentrated chemicals though, so I’ll give credit where credit is due and say that this one is considerably more risky for your unsuspecting insides to even attempt to accomplish safely.

These pods have a significantly higher level of chemicals in the liquid that’s inside of them, which is far worse to consume than normal laundry detergent.

Most ignoramuses that attempt doing this don’t realize that your instinctive reaction to tasting chemicals and feeling the burning sensation of cleaning products against your tongue, is to gag, cough and inhale what you’ve just stupidly bitten into.

By doing so, you can cause internal damage depending on how much of it you ingested, along with chemical burns and severe diarrhea, all for the sake of a meme and a College Humour video that was clearly intended to be a joke and not a how-to, step-by-step cure for momentary boredom or a way to curb weird cravings.

As though I’m being caught up in an episode of The Simpsons and the punchline is lurking somewhere around the corner, I’m still waiting for the anticipated hilarity to make itself known at any minute.

Unfortunately, I’ll have to accept the fact that people will continue participating in these nonsensical internet fads and video click bait schemes all for the sake of some views and laughter directed at their own idiocy.

If you’re dumb enough to actually do this, be sure to call poison control or 911 depending on the severity of your symptoms. And while you’re on your way to the hospital foaming at the mouth and shitting your pants, make sure you take some time to self-reflect and ask yourself if it was all really worth it.

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