Virgo (Aug.23 – Sept. 22)
On your first week of classes, feel free to dress like hipster. Just make sure you wear makeup and a lot of jewellery so no one mistakes you for being homeless. It does happen on occasion.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
We know that you’re not responsible for the way your body moves when “Blurred Lines” comes on. Just make sure you don’t make a complete fool of yourself when you get into the club with your fake ID. They might think something is up.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Beware of the freshmen 15! If your brand new skinny jeans are starting to feel a little tight, maybe it’s time to put that OneCard down.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Don’t go looking for a relationship this week. The worst part about finally making a dating profile is seeing how disappointing your matches end up being. You might as well stay single.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ll be in a serious and long-term relationship with sleep. It will be awesome. You’ll get some every night. If you’re lucky, you’ll get some during the day too.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Spinach dip from Wilfs is delicious, first-years, we are all perfectly aware of that. Contrary to what you might think, you don’t have to take a hundred different photos of it on your Instagram before you eat it. No one will think you’re that cool because that is considered to be old news.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
On Wednesday, you will be in class goofing around on Facebook when all of a sudden a meteor crashes in through the window and strikes you. That’s karma for not paying attention to the lecture you goof.
Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19)
Everyone has the one super-annoying roommate that they secretly want to kill. If you can’t think of who that person is, then that means that the roommate they can’t stand is you. Everyone in your house hates you and are planning on making your murder look like an accident. Take extra precautions this week or else.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Next week, you are going to meet the great love of your life in the library on the fourth floor at 10 p.m. Too bad you’re not going to meet because you’ll be holed up in your bedroom watching Breaking Bad. You have some very questionable priorities, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you are going to realize that you have a lot in common with Tim Tebow. You can’t throw more than 15 yards downfield and you can’t score on or off the field. Do you have anything going for you, bro?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There are two types of people: People who go to sleep on time and people who spend all of their time in the 24 Lounge. Be the third type of person who goes to sleep on time while being in the 24 Lounge. It’s a win-win situation.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Now that O-week is over, so are all the fun and games. Time to get serious about these tests and assignments. Having loads of swag only looks good on a resume when you know you’re going to be putting fries with that.
When Life Editor Alanna Fairey added an extra dosage of awesome to her morning coffee, she was then able to see the future. As if she wasn’t awesome enough already.