Cord-o-scopes: May edition

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
Looking for a Bradley Cooper this month? Looks like you might get a Zach Galifianakis instead.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20):
Getting a little addicted to Snapchat? Put the phone down and make a face at the person next to you.

Cancer (Jun 21 –July 22):
This is your summer for a fling! Just make sure you use protection! Your star sign is a crab after all…

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22):
Talk to your high school sweetheart. Maybe something will rekindle between the two of you or you’ll realize why you broke up.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22):
Go to the movies alone. It’s not as sad as it sounds and you don’t have to answer any stupid questions about the plot.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22):
This month you will find a love for romance novels and have to put up with stares on the bus. Thank goodness for the Kindle.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
If you find yourself in a pie-eating contest with a clown and Richard Attenborough, go for the lemon-meringue. Trust me.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
Is that…a grey hair? Quick! Grab the scissors! I don’t know what you’re going to do about the wrinkles though…

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
All of your summer clothes will fit this summer, and you’ll look amazing. In other news, everyone will hate you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
The moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter has aligned with Mars. Guess it’s time to watch Hair.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
You’re going to try something new this summer, even if that only means tasting a different flavour of FroYo.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
Are you and Honey Boo Boo’s mom starting to have a lot in common? Time to hit the gym and get your body back.

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