Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Quit drinking like a fish and start studying like one.
Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19): It’s Oscars week! Treat yourself to a movie marathon and live your life dramatically.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Quit the bull! Stop lying to the people you love and just say how you feel. You aren’t saving anyone’s feelings.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Live by the wise words of Tracy Morgan this week: “Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay” or simply “Live every week like it’s shark week.”
Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22): Just do it. Just talk to the person you’ve been crushing on and ask them out already. I’m sure they’re in a post-Valentine’s Day slump as much as you are!
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Live up to your star sign and have a Leonardo DiCaprio movie marathon! Start with Wolf of Wall Street and work your way to What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Watch Dallas Buyers Club. Just please. Please watch it. Bad things will happen to you this week if you decide against watching it.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Balance is tough! Make sure you hold a plate of pasta in BOTH hands to balance your diet.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Live up to your star sign and just KILL your midterms…too soon?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Oh lord, reading week sure is over, isn’t it? Get to work! Or…you could extend it a few more days. The choice is yours young Sagittarius…
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Do a pub-crawl with some friends and don’t forget to fight the killer robots on the way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Wait? Laurier has a pool? That’s what my pool fee has been going to? Might as well go for a dip then!
Staff Writer Spencer Dunn drank the liquid in a Magic 8 Ball when he was a kid and now he believes he has supernatural powers.