Resolutions for the lazy

Graphic by Fani Hsieh

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for your whole life, you’ve probably heard of the “New Year’s resolution,” where people avow to adopt new habits to improve their lives.

You’ve probably also realized how difficult it is to keep a New Year’s resolution, or to even make a good one.

Don’t worry — I’ve prepared a nifty guide for you to follow that will guarantee you success among all the failures.

First of all, skip the gym membership — you’ll spend all of your time bumping elbows with other “resolutioners,” fighting for the leg press to get in your monthly workout.

Everybody gets a gym membership in their spur-of-the-moment realization that they want to better themselves, but a time-starved student has more important things to do. Leave the membership to all the other go-getters and carve your own path. Besides, five minutes of trudging through snow up to your knees should be enough to keep you in shape.

Instead, start using the money you received over the holidays for something more beneficial: food. And what better place to start than your local McDonald’s for that Big Mac you’ve been craving since Christmas. They’re open 24 hours a day for a reason.

If that doesn’t suit your fancy, there are tons of other fast food establishments nearby that can satisfy your cravings. Besides, going to the grocery store is too much of a hassle, especially in the dead of winter when it’s -30 degrees and you can’t see 10 feet in front of you.

You’d also want to get a head start on your classes, so arriving at least 45 minutes late to every lecture will guarantee the professor will get to know you by name. After all, professors tend to give good grades to students who make a lasting impression.

Don’t bother showing up to the midterms though, the 2016 version of you simply has no time to write them. Instead, get your exams deferred so you can procrastinate as much as possible until the final exam, which will give you enough time to pester your classmates for the lecture material for all the notes you can’t be bothered to take.

Don’t forget to get your priorities straight and go out every single night — a social butterfly like you needs to keep yourself educated in the party scene, and with the next cohort of students celebrating their rise to legality, what better time to check out the local bar scene? After all, Waterloo isn’t a university town for nothing.

Whether you want to stay low-key and hang out with a few friends, invite your entire floor out for a night of drinks or if you’re just drunk and looking for a good time, Waterloo has a bar for that. After all, going out every night keeps you in the loop of all the happenings in university culture.

So now that you’ve doubled the “freshman 15” goal, built up an incredible alcohol tolerance and set your academic career on fire in only a months’ time, it seems fitting to watch as your entire life crumbles right in front of you. But no need to freak out just yet. After all, university is a four-year project — or however long you want it to be — and you have plenty of time to figure out your plan for the rest of your university career.

Academic probation is not the end of the world and you have more than enough time to make the same mistakes all over again. You aren’t supposed to have your act together. until you’re at least 25 anyway.