Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
In your mind, when Beyonce and Jay-Z fight, she says, “Looks like you got 99 problems and guess what DEFINITELY IS one?”
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’re going to make it your life’s goal to figure out what the fuck a “wonderwall” is.
Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19)
You become like the five people you spend the most time with. Choose very, very carefully.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Learn some self-control! No one likes a drunken white girl …
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This month you’re going to score as often as the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22)
Is he texting you at four in the morning? Don’t worry, it’s because he likes your personality.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
He who goes to sleep with an itchy bum wakes up with smelly fingers.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Go stand outside. If anyone asks, you’re outstanding. Puns.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Oprah Winfrey is going to ask you to join her book club. You guys will knit and speak confessionally about your weaves.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You want to live a little bit more? Drink wine after whiskey. You’ll officially be a badass.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
If people could hear what you’re actually thinking, you’d be deemed an asshole.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Do you ever wonder why sharks still eat people? Do you think they ignore the music?
When Lead Reporter Alanna Fairey was struck by a PT Cruiser driven by a bear, she was given the ability to see the future.