Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)
You will receive tons of smiles and agreement in the upcoming week! This may sound ideal, but in reality it could be because you talk to quietly and nobody wants to ask you to repeat yourself a third time.
Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
This first week back at school is going to be great. Think about it, the inevitable guilt from procrastination probably won’t set in until at least a day before your first assignment.
Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)
You’ve suffered a setback recently. Instead of looking into the bottom of an empty bag of chips for answers, try Google. They helped me with my herp—my rash, they helped me with my rash.
Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)
You’re a healthy, fitness nut with a passion for going to the gym. Good for you, thanks for letting everyone know all of the time.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)
An awkward scenario is in your near future. Judging by your sign, you’re probably used to this type of thing so just keep calm and carry on.
Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)
Your party animal friend might approach you to announce that they are coming up to visit you shortly. Just to be safe you better start pre-drinking now, it’s going to be a big weekend.
Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
This week will hold plenty of surprises. Not the “Oh my god you bought me a car!” kind of surprises either, so start mentally preparing.
Aries (March 21st to April 19th)
You’re surprised to discover that one of your closest dreams is close to becoming reality. Stay focused and determined; running through three seasons of Dexter could really kill your ambition.
Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)
Someone will hijack your Facebook status this week. No need to worry, your mother will not believe that you’re willing to express such public love for “Big Black D”.
Gemini (May 21st to June 20th)
In the near future, possibly even during the present, you will read a horoscope that makes absolutely no sense. So watch out for the banana flavoured rainbows on your way to yo-yo class.
Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd)
Someone around you will make you a deal that seems too good to be true. Use caution and remember there’s no such thing a free lunch…unless you’re at a homeless shelter, but that’s another horoscope.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
Write meticulous notes at lecture this week. Get everything down. Make sure you don’t get into the zone and write a paragraph on how drunk the person behind you was this weekend.
Mackenzie King doesn’t write Cord-o-scopes, he dreams them. His thoughts then get inexplicably translated to text and printed in The Cord.
