Cord-o-scopes: Nov. 4, 2009
Scorpio (Oct. 22 to Nov. 21): Unfortunately for you, while alcohol may indeed be a disinfectant, drinking yourself stupid is not an effective flu prevention method. It sure is fun though.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Using your brilliant business mind, you will make millions inventing the next big children’s toy this Christmas season, “Flubys!”: a cute piglet-themed kid-sized respirator coming soon to a Wal-mart near you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): The stars tell me that you are going to have to make a tough decision in the near future. You can either actually work on your copious amount of assignments, or go for the pity marks and purposefully contract H1N1. I know, we’ve all been there.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Due to a newfound popularity, your Facebook friends will double in the next month. Unfortunately it’s because everyone wants to say that they’re friends with “the person that got swine flu.”
Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): To avoid infected individuals, you’ll attempt to spend the next three years living out of a hot air balloon, landing only to restock supplies. But after too many close calls with airplanes, you’ll give up and just get the dang flu shot.
Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’ll bend to peer pressure and strive to contract your very own case of H1N1. After all, all the cool kids are getting it.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Washing your hands is a sure-fire way of preventing the spread of infections. That is, unless you USE the bathrooms in the concourse, then you’re screwed no matter what.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): You’re going to go a little overboard with this whole swine flu thing. That is, you’re going to found a doomsday cult ranting about the coming “a-pork-alypse” and denouncing Babe the Pig as the anti-Christ.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): To prepare for the coming pandemic you’ll spend the next week alone in your room watching the movie Outbreak over and over. However, all you’re going learn is that Dustin Hoffman is awesome.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): Due to a rare genetic mutation, you’ll realize that you’re completely immune to the H1N1 virus. Good news, except that you’ll spend the next few years strapped to a hospital bed being poked with needles so that scientists can reverse-engineer a cure. Lucky you.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): Fearing for your health you will lock yourself into your room refusing to leave for four months. When your friends finally discover you they’ll be shocked to find you alone and naked, surrounded by Kleenex boxes and urine filled bottles, muttering about some sort of spruce goose.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): After a tense few days you’ll finally receive the best news that you have ever received. No, not that you haven’t contracted swine flu, but that bacon is indeed still safe to eat.
Ever since a Range Rover drove over his pinky toe, Adam Nagel has had the uncanny ability to limp awkwardly when he walks. Oh, and he can tell the future.