Cord-o-scopes: June 24, 2009

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): You will be thrilled to find that your new roommate is caring, neat, funny and shares all of the same interests as you. However, this will all be counteracted by their penchant for loud masturbation.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): A change in scenery will allow you the chance to shed that loser image that had plagued you throughout high school. Take up a new hobby to impress your peers. I suggest smooth jazz; always a people pleaser.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): You will become a campus sensation after becoming famous on the DC++ peer-to-peer file sharing network as “the person with all the porn.”

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): Due to an unfortunate LORIS online registration malfunction, you’ll be forced to take only medieval studies courses for the entirety of your university career. However, this will luckily awaken your long dormant passion for bear-baiting.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): You’re going to develop an alcohol problem. I’m just playing the odds here.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): After months of eagerly anticipating the arrival at your new home in residence, you’ll be shocked to be told that, due to economic cutbacks, you will actually be living underneath the bleachers of the university’s stadium. But look on the bright side, at least they might give you a free laptop, right?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You’ll finally snap after hearing the phrase “tough economic times” for the billionth time and decide to abandon your university career, opting instead to live amongst the lush Laurier greenery as the local squirrel-child.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): After years of striking out with the opposite sex you’ll finally meet your soul-mate in your new home. Unfortunately you’ll soon find out that they’re the mate of the rest of your floor as well.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): When in doubt, always trust the chicken fingers. You’ll know what I mean when the time comes.

Aries (March 21 to April 19): University will offer an opportunity to meet and befriend a wide variety of people that share similar interests in academia and hobbies and who will “get” you more than any of your previous friends. But you won’t meet anybody like this; instead you’ll settle for the losers on your floor.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Always remember the proverb, “If at first you don’t succeed, beg for an extension and get your failing ass over to the library.”

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): The stars tell me that through some miraculous twist of fortune, you’re destined to become the future all-star quarterback of the Laurier football team. Trust me, I wouldn’t make this shit up.

After being bitten by a gypsy’s pet monkey in a bazaar in Cairo, Adam Nagel found out that he could tell the future. He also had a strange rash on his leg.

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