Cord-o-scopes: August 2011

Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)

You’re going to have a great weekend. Use protection. You’re going to want future Laurier students, just not so soon.

Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)

Start acting a little more like Lil’ Wayne. He’s famous and you’re not; it just seems like a good idea. Take it easy on the Codeine though, nobody wants you going all Amy Winehouse on us.

Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)

You will have a full week this week. Each day will last 24 hours, and there will be seven days total. When walking, you’ll probably be putting one foot in front of the other. This week you’ll find yourself drinking water each day. A full week indeed, but because of this you’ll find yourself wanting to just lie down and sleep at least once each day.

Scorpio (October 23rd to November 21st)

Forget about filtering yourself. Always say exactly what comes to mind no matter what the consequence. Inevitably, you’ll find yourself in one of two possible scenarios: you go to jail for slander, or you land a spot on the new season of Jersey Shore Canada.

Sagittarius (November 22nd to December 21st)

Be more reserved this next week. Like, I wasn’t going to say anything, but like, Kimmie is totally pissed about what you’ve been saying about her. Just like, chill, okay?

Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th)

You’ve done a lot of great things in your lifetime, now its time to see some return. Find everyone that you’ve once done a favour for and ask for compensation in dollars. Time isn’t free and who should have to suffer for your good deeds? You? I don’t think so sista.

Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)

Aspire to do great things this upcoming weekend — life-altering things. If that opportunity doesn’t present itself, settle for frightening one of your roommates.

Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)

It’s called 1-800-GOT-JUNK, figure it out. If you want your roommates to stop threatening to start a university-themed Hoarders reality show you should use these people. Seriously, when was the last time you impressed someone by showing them your sixth-grade Hello Kitty collection?

Aries (March 21st to April 29th)

You will be full of social energy today: asking plenty questions, striking conversation wherever you go. Try to watch out, that shit gets annoying after a while.

Taurus (April 20th to May 20th)

You’re the type of person that finds excitement wherever you go. This is probably because your personality is exciting. However it could be because your childhood was painfully drab. Remember this when you become ecstatic over cable TV. Or better yet, have a friend remind you.

Gemini (May 21st to June 20th)

You will encounter a somewhat noxious situation this month. This will be mere moments after you discover the definition for noxious. Hint: it’s not pleasant.

Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd)

Have one less drink at the next kegger you go to. Make that three. No, more than that. Avoid keggers entirely. On second thought, just join the Buffs you’ll fit right in.

Mackenzie King refused to write these on regular paper. He instead used rice paper, and wrote in only organic ink. His Hummer takes up two spaces in The Cord’s parking lot.