Arts Bites: March 21, 2012

TMNT taken down by Bay
For an upcoming reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise, super-producer Michael Bay has revealed, much to the dismay of fanboys everywhere, that the Turtles origins will be slightly altered from what fans are used to. Instead of being mutated amphibians, there will apparently be some sort of alien backstory worked into the film. What’s really troubling is Bay’s insistence that the Turtles be played by Victoria’s Secret Models and all dialogue be replaced with lasers exploding from their mouths.

Madonna takes spawn on tour
Evidently, someone, somewhere thought it would be a good idea to allow the “Like A Virgin” singer’s daughter to accompany her on tour. Madge will be joined on stage by her offspring Lourdes, who will be performing as one of the songstress’s back-up singers. This is the least anticipated mother/daughter act since Goldie Hawn went on tour with her mother.

Clooney in ‘cuffs
At a protest last week, actor/superhunk/Batman George Clooney was
arrested for a humanitarian effort to raise awareness of the events playing out in Sudan. As he was being arrested, he apparently told police that he was actually actor/superhunk/friend Brad Pitt instead. Regardless, the moral of this story is: once the Michael Clayton actor is out of prison, Andy Garcia should put higher security on his three casinos.

—Compiled by Wade Thompson