The holidays are usually when people enjoy themselves and relax with their family; a stretch of time that most look forward to.
Unfortunately — for most of my life — I’ve dreaded these occasions. It goes beyond the stereotypical “my family is annoying” and veers into, “my family causes me actual mental anguish.”
I happen to get along well with a smattering of my extended family and I consider my sister to be the person I’m closest to out of everyone I’m related to. These are the people that have always shown me love and respect and regardless of where I am in life, I care about them and how they’re doing.
However, I have grappled with the decision to not spend Christmas with my parents for several years, a choice that many would scoff at.
I have my own, very valid reasons for opting out of these family gatherings, none of which should be determined or judged by anyone who knows my situation in passing.
I am lucky to have a long-term girlfriend who has been nothing but supportive of me and by extension, her ridiculously kind family as well. This group of people has shown me more love and kindness in just over three years than I’ve ever received from many of my blood relatives.
I’ve come to peace with my past and my upbringing and, as an adult, I’ve realized that I am no longer bound by the ties of guilt and supposed obligation in order to keep some sort of peace.
I am lucky that I still have a sibling to count on, someone who I will always love and want to be around at any point in the year, but especially during the holidays. It just means adjusting my plans to suit the right choice for both of us.
Everyone has the right to do what makes them happiest this time of year and if that means spending time with people who aren’t your relatives, then so be it. Loved ones don’t just have to be defined by genetics in order to deem them worthy to spend Christmas with.
Spending Christmas with my girlfriend and her family is something that I’ve embraced and I’m beyond grateful for.
Toxicity is not something I need to surround myself with, no matter who it is. Standards of behaviour should be set and no one should have to tolerate inexcusable treatment merely because it’s a holiday.
Feeling guilty for offences that aren’t my own will no longer bother me.
I’ve finally come to a realization that family — especially a toxic one — should not be the defining factor of my enjoyment. I shouldn’t feel any responsibility, or stress, about the idea of being around those who fundamentally make me unhappy.
Everyone has the right to do what makes them happiest this time of year and if that means spending time with people who aren’t your relatives, then so be it. Loved ones don’t just have to be defined by genetics in order to deem them worthy to spend Christmas with.
The holiday season is, at the end of the day, supposed to be a time where you forget about everything else and focus on what is truly important. If that means time is spent in an uncontrollable state of veiled anxiety, it’s meaning is lost on me.
I now make the choice to no longer let toxic family members get in the way of my life — or my holidays.