Valentine’s Day is a day where loving couples and Tinder matches all over campus meet up to express their undying love for each other – or to have a quick bone session before going back to midterm studying.
It’s a day for chocolates, flowers, romantic dinners and the only time of the year that is deemed acceptable to get kinkier with your partner. And that’s the problem- it’s only one day a year.
There is an overwhelming stigma and endless judgment over the idea of kinky sexual activity.
When most people think of ‘kinky,’ a sex scene from 50 Shades of Grey or a particular scene from Pulp Fiction comes to mind. Being ‘kinky’ is more than just black leather, whips, chains, restraints and foot fetishes.
Kinky, in a broad definition, is typically chalked up to “unusual sexual behaviour”.
The problem with this definition is that everyone has their own idea of what is “usual”.
To some, having sex with the lights on is unusual.
But to others, unusual could mean having two people role-playing cartoon characters like Grimace and Ronald McDonald.
People who “kink shame” are basically chirping people who like to add something new to their sexual routine.
This shame or guilt can manifest into much more than self doubt, and lead people into feeling ashamed about their feelings and their behaviour.
If someone does something that’s kinkier or more taboo than usual, who’s concern is it to anyone else, really?
Unless someone is forcing another person to do something they are not comfortable doing, nobody really gets to complain.
For some people, plain old “vanilla” sex is enough, but others need something more stimulating. Having a kink can be at times like drinking; over time you will need more to get the same feeling.
For some, it starts off generic and “normal”.
But as time goes on, the same routine or amount isn’t quite enough.
Engaging in a kink allows us to engage in new ways of finding pleasure.
Exploring new things is really exciting; a person may find their kink, or they may not.
But shaming others for exploring what the human body can do is pointless and actually kind of hurtful.
When someone likes to do things in a way that the rest of the group sees as unusual, they often feel like what they are doing or feeling is wrong.
This shame or guilt can manifest into much more than self doubt, and lead people into feeling ashamed about their feelings and their behaviour.
The biggest question I have for people who kink shame is this: How do you know that you don’t have a kink?
Roger Smith from American Dad said it best: “Everyone has a kink. You just need to find yours.”
How do you know that you don’t enjoy sucking on toes or having hot wax dripped on your back until you give it a shot?
So, this Valentine’s Day, don’t belittle people for getting a little freaky.
In fact, why not try something more outside of your comfort zone?
Be it with the love of your life, or someone you swiped right with; let loose on this day of love.
And if you’re single, that’s okay too.
Not every kink requires two participants.